396. The Decision

I’m through summing up conclusions from last year’s reflections, but where next?

These day’s I’ve had a backlog of posts, not because the world went up in flames but just … because: Baby, work, family and all. And sometimes the need to forget my laser-focus and just zone out whenever I had an hour or two.

The situation with my mother is relatively stable; she is receiving chemo but is not ill – not even that much from chemo. Jay is doing all right. Char and I are still doing a bit wobbly, but we have made a major decision about it: Which is that I should not fight to carve time to search for new webdesign jobs until Jay starts daycare.

I should just work whenever a good lead comes to me, and that does happen from time to time.

It was a relief, to say the least.

Among some of the advantages, I’d like to mention:

… Better and more time with Char and Jay.

… No more conflict, struggle and guilty consciences for Char – or me – about webdesign priorities vs. family priorities (esp. when Char’s hand is still in poor condition and she actually needs the practical help at home)

… Saving money (believe it or not):

I mean the money I might – might – earn extra from finding 10-15 hours extra to work and pitch for work could quickly be gobbled up by transport and eating in the City, when I am working a various libraries and rushing out the door and forgetting lunch boxes.

And we have talked about going some trips to sweeten our relationship again and that would cost. So now we sweeten right here and now and at home. And we save those money.

Even if I worked all I could and stressed about it – especially the marketing part – there would be no earnings guarantee. The money lost from my insistence on ‘contributing’ by buying half the food, more or less, is penalized with 14.5 per cent interest on my credit account. Better to take that money from Char’s savings and inheritance, obviously. I mean, do we have a joint economy or what? Maybe I am not contributing much, economically, but it is still joint.

Let’s make some rational choices, then …

I wonder why it took me so long to see this. I guess it was a mixture of interference from life-stress (like the stuff with my mother’s cancer) and habit and an idea that Char wanted me to pay my part and that I should because I am … what? … the man of the house.

But Char also want’s help when she can only use one hand more or less. And she wants less stress at home. And more quality time and some sweet time, too. With me.

So that is my contribution.