Last day before Char and Jay come back and I have done most of my web-work, the remaining laundry and Blog-catch-up. On the one hand I am relieved, really – and yet … during the day I felt some anxiety about the future all of a sudden, which first made me, well, anxious. And then a bit mad.
I mean, I thought I had crossed most things off my “Life-Figure-It-Out”-list for now, both short- and long term items.
I feel a lot more accepting of the fact that it may vary a lot and that I may not really figure out how to do any systems that bring in more regular/dependable income in the short-to-medium term.
So, yes, I have recently felt a lot more accepting of just having to make-it-up as I go along, instead of searching for THE one big Shiny Solution.
Just do the next best thing I can think of that is motivating and which may bring in extra cash on a more regular basis, like a WordPress theme review-site (which I may or may not have mentioned before).
So that has been a Big Issue that I feel finally has found some kind of closure, even if it hasn’t really. But inside me it has. For now.
That and other issues, like what art- and writing projects to pursue and how. Also something I spilled a lot of virtual ink angsting about last year and a bit of this year …
And there aren’t any serious problems on the family- or health-fronts right now. And in the near-term (which means, I suppose, the rest of the year … ). At least nothing on the horizon that looks particularly ominous … relatively speaking.
And Donald Trump has not blown up Latvia yet. Or North Korea. Or himself (although he is trying hard with regard to the latter.)
So … what? Why “mad”?
Well … This:
An undefinable fear that ‘it is too late’. I won’t really get to do the things I really want to do in life before I die. Period.
Just like that.
And an irrational fear at that, too. I mean, even for a midlife-crisis …
I can understand my parents being afraid of that. Or my grandmother-in-law.
I know we can die tomorrow and all that. I could have died tomorrow every day for the last almost-44-years. But there is no reason I should in the next 20-or-so years, at least. Or 30. Or even 40.
Maybe I will, but there is no particular reason I should.
And even if we forget the usual ups-and-downs that surely will come, like health problems to some degree with age, people you know getting seriously ill or dying, financial struggles etc … Even if we assume, as is usual, that the number of good things and quiet periods will balance these other, darker periods … well, if we assume that then: All other things are equal right?
Sure, a meteor could strike, but there is no reason to believe it will.
And if it strikes then it strikes and there is nothing to do about it.
If I did not believe in some sort of ‘Divine’ dimension beyond this one, I’d say it was coincidence and then what? Nothing, obviously. You can’t fight coincidence.
Well, enough philosophy. It is not like I am sitting here, shaking, right now. I don’t have an anxiety attack. I don’t have OCD. I am not ill.
But this sense of anxiety sure felt strong enough to bring up unpleasant memories about being ill.
A bit like one of the very first posts I wrote, where I would have these – relatively mild – but persistent – feelings of anxiety in the morning. In the months before Jay was born.
I suppose then there are circumstances, such as becoming a father or that vague concept of a “midlife crisis” that could trigger this deeper part of one-self and call out feelings of anxiety on some scale. Hardly enough to incapacitate me, but enough to be felt and not ignored.
So what do I do about it?
I don’t have any clear explanation of the physical, social or even spiritual causes of this anxiety. But today is not the first day I have felt it.
I can only tick off some boxes and say: “Oh, it’s not about this … and not about this … “. Like Jay, for example. It is not about him. I feel that surely.
It might have something to do with my sense of being able to create all that I want now that I for 20 years have tried all the other stuff – get a job, make money, make some kind of difference through a regular job – or even your own firm. And it hasn’t really worked well.
You know … there is still a lot of war, environmental degradation, poverty and social injustice. And there will be for a foreseeable time. Because, as sages have said for centuries:
Any kind of truly lasting global change to our society has to come from within. Has to come from a change in how people view the world and how they feel connected with the world.
(Or at least they have said something to that effect -these wise guys … )
Of course, all things play together. Money counts. It is easier to help people change their minds about something if they don’t have to struggle for food. I have understood that for a long time.
But part of my pure impetus for starting The Blog was that I felt my contribution to the world would be best in sharing experiences (and uplifting reflections) about how to make the best of life. About how to be the most happy. Free for anyone who can read English, has access to the Internet and can identify with me.
Others do similar things – on other blogs, for example.
And that, I believe, can be a crucial component of any change.
I mean, what if you could have an ‘invisible partner’ all day, every day, for at least half of your life – when it matters? Like, 40 years of your life … ?
I mean, when I first began to feel depressed and stressed around 2000 I ran into those Conversations with God-books which meant a LOT to me. I felt they were my companions. They were built as dialogue and I could identify with author Neale Walsch asking ‘God’ all the questions. And I felt the answers were usable.
So Neale or “God” or whoever wasn’t really there, and yet … he/she/it/they were.
Simply because it was such a downright practical book-series about a middle-aged man trying to make sense of his life and of the world.
And he got answers with a spiritual foundation which he could use, very practically, to see his life differently and to change his life and to change his thoughts about life. (For example: regrets … oh, boy!)
I want The Blog to be something like that. Except that I am not God.
But I am a friend. And I believe in the power of sharing experience – what I have done to feel better, like today, when I felt down. What has uplifted me – at different times in life, and in different circumstances.
That can be universally useful. And very, very powerful. Esp. once we approach 14000 posts!
And then I’ll just have to do my little bit locally, as everyone else ought to:
- buy organic food and the like
- vote for collective interests instead of narrow interests
- be a good friend, spouse, father, son
And do my best to whip up a bigger income, say from my webdesign firm or a creative project, so I can donate some to projects for people who need help – social projects, environmental projects, etc. I already sell a limited no. of hours of webdesign service per month where the fee goes directly to a charity. So more of that.
And then The Blog.
That’s how I see my best contribution to the world now.
All the creative stuff I am afraid I don’t have the time to do anymore, because I skipped that career in my early twenties – believing I was supposed to be in International Development and a lot of other things … well, all of those projects … all those ideas … longings …
They are the ones that need attention …
Not for the world’s sake, anymore. Because I can’t change the world by writing a book or drawing a comic. I didn’t believe that anymore at 23 and I don’t do now at 43.
But I know I have to do more of it, because it is a longing of my soul. So it is for my sake and my sake alone that I want that.
And now, today, I felt again afraid that I – for some reason – would not make it. Would not draw all the things I really want to draw. Or write all the things I really want to write.
Very afraid …
And I think I know why …
I felt afraid because I was not spending enough time doing it.
For when I don’t spend enough time doing it, then … it is obvious to feel afraid: “What if I die tomorrow or next year? … Without having … ”
I see that now.
And I shared that.
I hope you can use it. I can.