Was thinking about what feels like it has been missing from our relationship, while we have been raising Jay for the first year, and what it would take to get it back.
I found that it wasn’t sex or our once-again-shelved plans to do a major website on Inca history (a mutual hobby).
It wasn’t lower or higher needs, so to speak.
More like the medium kind of needs.
One word that kept coming to me was “pride”:
That we could feel pride in each other again but for other reasons than our sacrifices to take care of Jay each day.
Now what would have to be the basis for that pride – what would raise it the highest?
That we reestablish a sex-life ASAP?
That we carve out some time for a hobby – however many ideals about storytelling about other cultures and travel memories we share in relation to it?
Or … that I go back to working full time to get money for our family after Easter?
And … that I support Char in getting her best next job so she can do the same?
So we don’t have to dig into our credit accounts and her ever-shrinking inheritance until there is nothing more left …
So we can build a safer economic basis for our future … with Jay … his future …
So we can move to a bigger place in a few years …
As important as the other things are – sex and ideals – in a relationship, what would give us that pride now – in each other?
For me I think it would be another sacrifice for Jay and our family – the natural sacrifice. Actually it is just a choice:
Prioritize all the possible time – at least 40 hours a week – to go out there and to work my butt off in order to get that as-much-as-possible predictable income which I can get as self-employed freelance webdesign consultant.
That is the foundation for that missing relationship part – which I still feel can be called “pride” – or “more pride”. In each other, yes. But most of all in myself.
All things need balance.
But if more “pride” really is what is missing (too) after a year with a baby and all sorts of other distractions, then right now the next thing I want to prioritize that can make me proud of myself – and her more proud of me – is just that boring old thing:
To go out there and earn money for the family.
And it is the right priority now.
Then there will be other times when the other priorities must be higher.