I kind of off-day.
I argued about my fee with a client to my live-talks on historical persons.
I felt I was writing into Limbo sending out pitches for people to buy from my new company.
I have now gotten the approval from both the insurance company and the official company register. So now I’m only waiting for the bank to approve of my merchant account.
Still, it feels good to get started, even if it’s under limited conditions.
Except on days when things just feel … off.
I shopped and cleaned and washed, too. Not much fun.
Worried about the future, about Jay, about my income. Not much fun.
But I grit my teeth and pushed through my tasks.
During the gritting it occured to me that perhaps I was in the wrong phase of life, or had skipped something.
That troll in my head says: ‘You should have gotten it together by now – you are 42’.
And not just because, according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that number is supposed to be the answer to the question about life, the universe and everything …
I should have gotten that education finished in time in my mid-twenties, then gotten a career going, then bought a house. Or something.
A utterly stupid and reactionary as it sounds, that troll is still alive in me and whispering such idiocies.
And I’m still listening.
Its core message is: You should have lived a more stable, focused, successful life.
Aside from the things I have achieved, such as my travels, my relationship and my, well, spiritual intuition or whatever (topic for another post), my friends and all the voluntary work I’ve done, I wonder …
Maybe … maybe I’m finally ready to concede and really believe that, it’s all only just starting now.
Finding out how to make a living (I hope), finding stability, maybe even buying a bloody house (not that it matters that much – yet).
I dunno. It was just a feeling I had today. And which made the troll kind of shut up.
I mean, maybe the 20s are really meant to be a time of confusion and trying things out and making mistakes.
Then in your 30s you make more mistakes, but usually you are on a particular course – maybe a career – so now it’s more about making that work. Not about choosing.
About ironing it all out. Maybe a relationship you’ve had or been wanting to have.
About a new important path you have found and want to realize – maybe a religion.
Something like that …
Ideally – and if you survive – then in your 40s you can begin to build something for real. Have something akin to stability. (Barring force majeure, of course … )
And maybe the idea that you should be able to do it all by 25 is a big fat crappy media-troll. That you should have gotten your shit together by 30.
Maybe the media. Or your parents. Or I dunno.
I have know that it was like that since I was 18. But still, the feeling that it’s not a troll, that it’s true … it returns and returns.
You should’ve gotten your shit more together. 15 years ago.
Well, 15 years ago I was well under way building up my first serious bout of depression. Which then sent me into the psych ward 3 years later.
But I survived. I cured myself. I got rid of anxiety and depression. No shit.
Through hard training and will and purpose.
Maybe that’s why I sometimes think less fondly of myself for not being waay above such petty trollish thoughts as in ‘you should have gotten a career going 15 years ago’. Or some such.
On the other hand, as I write this, I feel more … accepting about it all.
Yeah I have been incredibly strong (when I cured myself).
I have been weak (like this afternoon when the troll whispered and I listened).
I have been in the abyss (when I was at psych hospital).
And what about these phases of life?
What about them really?
We live longer. Much longer. Than in ‘the old days’.
With any luck and statistics and karma on my side I have about 40 more years to live. Maybe even in relatively good condition.
So why not use the next 10 years to build a good, solid – even if not world-changing – business? Be a good father? Finish that graphic novel I’m working on every evening? Travel a bit more?
Is that really such a defeat?
No, of course. Maybe it would have been a true defeat if I had gone the way of one of my friends from high school.
He started as an intern in a company during his university days. Then he rose to CEO. He has never – to my knowledge – been unemployed. Or ill.
He is still a great guy, I think. (We are not in contact any more, so … who knows. But his Facebook-profile looks friendly.)
Anyway, if I had been him, I wouldn’t have written this blog. And I do want to write this blog.
More than anything else.
I want to share my experience. And my experiences. My continuing movement towards something better. At least on the inside.
And a bit on the outside. I’m counting on making at least a decent buck on my company, even if a few years down the line. And that’s enough.
But this blog – The Blog – this is it, man. This is what I’ve been wanting to do.
Because there is so much more to share.
I don’t think I would have done it as CEO of that other company.
So maybe I am in the right place, and those phases of life are just illusions.
At least insofar as I think of myself having ‘failed’ to complete a couple of them.