If I look back 21 years to the time I really started making choices that formed my adult life (at 23 in 1997) I find myself reflecting that my life has proceeded in certain phases since then.
And that these phases can explain much of what went wrong, and some of what went right.
In the 1st phase from 1997-2005 my main problem was inability to choose and therefore becoming ever more stressed … I wanted to be a writer and sometimes an artist, take a university education and help the world and do lots of practical work to gain connections, experience and a career.
That phase ended with a complete breakdown in 2005, not just because of the aforementioned inability but in large part due to it.
In the 2nd phases from 2007-2015, after 2 years of recovery, my main problem was that I did choose one thing at a time, mostly, but each choice turned out to be a dead end:
I found out I did not fit well with the kind of work I could get using my social science education (much of it in politically controlled organizations) and I found out that I was poor at writing novels, after trying that for years, in many different forms.
And a number of minor projects, but those were the two greatest aspirations that I tried and failed at – due mainly to lack of motivation, or misguided motivation, in some variant or other.
There are too many details to recount satisfactorily here and I am deliberately painting in broad strokes to make some kind of sense of it all.
Which leads me to the 3rd and present phase:
Being self-employed web designer and having accepted creative pursuits only in my spare time.
And having a family.
The main problem here, I’d say, is my lack of patience with not achieving results due to having to learn how to do what I want – once more. Due to family. Due to all kinds of other distractions – totally normal, but nevertheless.
So first lack of focus …
… then finding out I was not that motivated or good at what I focused on …
… and then struggling with patience to achieve the things I have finally settled on doing, the best combinations of all the various options.
A very crude generalization of 21 years, I admit. But it does have a ring of truth to it.
And there is nothing to do about it to ‘fix’ things, but be patient until I change either
1) My experience or
2) The world
… in the ways I want to, with a view to obtaining the following results …
1) Earning enough money to live, save and donate
2) Enjoying and finishing the writing and drawing on the projects I have finally settled on.
Both 1 and 2, as modest as they are compared to the first phase, still seem like really big goals that I will be a long time in achieving.
So patience is perhaps the ultimate problem I have and had, even back in 1997. It might also be the ultimate solution.