547. Conditional Dreams

On one of those days when I can’t concentrate in the time I have before work and therefore have to throw in the towel … and do all sorts of small house-work-things to get something done …

And get a little order in my head, like previously written.

Well, I thought about Hammer and Magic. Why don’t I just sit down and push through writing? Like now?

Am I not professional?

And I not strong?

Don’t I have ambitions?

No, no and sort of.

After 25 years of trying to write a novel and failing I have realized, as previously discussed that that path is not for me. Complicated reasons but this is the conclusion.

So I only write stories now, in my spare time, to get energy. To have fun.

IF that goal is achieved, then I write to get read. To find readers. To entertain.

IF that goal is achieved then I will try to monetize the work, get it sold in a market.

IF that succeeds to a level of some significance I will try to set aside funds from the surplus to donate to some cause or other.

And I do have a dream of reaching that last stage. I really do.

But not at expense of the first stage: To get energy, to have fun. Never again.

If that makes me fail to reach the dream, so be it. It is not worth doing it otherwise. I have tried that too often.

And now I will go and do more dishes.

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