Did a lot of temp work today and then checked my credit account and what bills were to be paid tomorrow and saw that I was to pay about two thirds more than I earned.
That dropped both my credit account and my mood.
So for a long time I stood there, servicing people by the train station, but my mind was elsewhere and I thought about how to break that feeling of despondency.
I thought about affirmations, which I had done before, but it did not feel right.
I thought about looking for jobs on my phone in my breaks, but that felt more not right.
Then I thought about forgiving myself for having brought myself in this situation, even though many of the choices that led here, like sacrificing time to take care of Char and Jay after the birth – they were morally sound from one POV.
That felt partially right but not enough.
Then I thought that I had to reboot my will-to-positive thinking and really force myself to think the situation through both here and now and in the medium-to-long term – and do so positively and constructively.
On such way is to force myself to think that at least there is a very good possibility of finding more temp work. And a few really nifty customers for my webdesign business to add to that. Over a year or so. If I keep this up.
So my credit won’t drop further if I keep it up. Even if it is hard and uncertain country, and I don’t like what I see when I look at this ‘time of my life’.
Maybe I can do more and do better, but at least I can stop the bleeding if I work hard enough. Even if it is not ‘earn money from my passion’ and all that yada. Or just something close.
And that simple, but realistic way of thinking – that worked to lift the cloud.
It wasn’t ‘ra-ra-I-WILL-MAKE-A-THOUSAND-BUCKS’ kind of thinking.
It wasn’t even relatively resonant Law of Attraction-ish affirmations about ‘more money flowing to me soon’ etc.
It was just a simple, common sense observation about what it took to change my situation from ‘near the bottom’ to ‘a bit better’.
An observation, though, I had to force myself to do. So I did not sink into despondency or did stupid panicky things like trying to look for more temp work or other jobs while I did this one job.
So positive thinking takes effort. Big news, huh?
But worth it.