Someone asked in the alternatehistory.com chat forum:
Are there members who deal with depression and feel like they hate themselves? You may guess that I ask this because I feel like this. I sincerely hate my entire life and whatever I do for quite some reasons. I’ve been dealing with this since 2015 and there seems to be no progress.
If anyone had these problems and feels better, how did you get rid of these feelings?
Here is the answer I gave:
I am 44 today.
From I was about 25-32 I suffered from severe bouts of depression and anxiety and was eventually hospitalized and medicated for it for over a year. Part of what I experienced was, as you mention, a feeling I would describe as self-hate.
And it would often run rings around me in this absurd way … so I remember at one point telling someone how I felt and I said:
“It is so bad – I hate myself, but I also hate myself because I hate myself!”
And so on. I hated myself because I couldn’t get rid of the self-hate, including the depression etc.
Now, I don’t know of course if this kind of self-hate is the same as yours, in substance or in strength, but surely there is a familiarity.
Those feelings must spring from somewhere, and IMO it is very much the same source, so to speak. Something inside is broken and needs fixing. Medication can help but it has side-effects and it is NOT a cure. See a health professional about this, but make sure you see more than one.
What helped me was, to some extent, therapy but mostly therapy I trained myself to habituate – i.e. I learned how to think differently. All the time.
To stop the hateful thoughts and replace them with something else. Cognitive behavioral therapy, I believe it is called – and it was a self-made variation thereof I used, with some help from therapists.
But what I would really like to point out is that I did not seriously commit myself to this kind of therapy, including the 24/7 practice (which was the most important) before I realized, deeply, that my current status quo would lead to self-destruction.
You can fill in the blanks there … But I realized that I hurt myself and that ultimately it would not do me any good to continue.
Whatever it was inside me that apparently believed I would do something or other that I, well, needed by hating myself … that illusion was dispelled and I could finally seek help.
I can’t say again if that is the same for you or if it will be the same for you, but I do believe that
1) almost everyone can be part of their own healing (and can heal) from mental illness of this sort, supported by medication if need be
– and –
2) that can happen once you deeply realize that your current thoughts are no good for you and that you do indeed have some level of control.
Asking for help is the first step to that realization, I believe – and asking for other people’s experiences in getting better.
So I hope you can move on from here to a better place, bit by bit – one step forward and two steps back and then two steps more next time, but in the right direction for you.
It is a damn long journey, but as Winston Churchill said:
“If you are going through hell – keep going.”