I woke feeling like somebody has stolen my energy, irritated and anxious.
But it helped that I got right off building the new ‘office’ in room 2 and then completed a task for a new (steady) customer. I can’t remember if I wrote earlier that I got all the various approvals, registrations and rubber stamps for my company after much soul-searching.
But now the next step is to quit my insurance and hope this new customer, whom I work for 2 days a week, is enough to sustain me with a small stable income while I go pick some more ad hoc customers.
That’s both frightening and liberating at the same time. Much like becoming a father, I suppose…
Today I thought about what could go wrong during the birth … again. But I suppose what truly made me feel uneasy was just that it was the Big Unknown, both the birth and what comes after. I can read and study and feel that it truly will go well, overall.
But I can’t know until I know.
Today I also had thought ‘we are here to create’.
Here: On Earth.
Create something for the sake of others and for the sake of enjoying the process. Of creation.
I’d like to delve more on that in future posts.
But for now I’ll say this: I would like to create a stronger faith, than the one I’ve developed over many years, that there is a benevolent universe around us.
A universe with subtle vast depth, more than we can see and feel, unless we stop and try to.
And that it helps us all, whether in birth or to avoid bad examens or getting run over.
However, the universe is also complex and there are many agendas – life paths – that have to cross and tangle. And sometimes we have to experience something ‘bad’ because it serves the path of others. Or so a few prophets say …
An alternative, or supplement, is that there is something in us, in our lives, in our minds, in our past, in our souls … that prevent us from receiving all the benevolence.
Perhaps most poignantly that we believe we are separate from that benevolence, unable to receive it.
We don’t deserve it if it exists. It doesn’t exist because we don’t deserve it.
Or … maybe ‘bad things’ are just part of the package of living here.
It’s Earth. Not Neverland. Sometimes you get hurt. Like when you go river-rafting. But you do get a wild and important experience.
So why is there pain and fear and death and suffering?
Because it has purpose, for ourselves or others?
Because of internal causes? Karma?
Because it’s just the cost of living on Earth?
Maybe it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it is there. And it’s what makes me afraid, of a great many things.
But I don’t want to be so afraid of having a son, even though I know a little fear is always natural.
I want to have more faith and say to the universe: ‘I believe in you’. God. The Force. Whatever this ‘Benevolence’ that I feel and believe in really is …
I want to test it again. And now is as good a time as ever!
So I will work towards affirming this faith and see where it takes me.
For the reasons that I stated above I don’t believe I can get a guarantee that everything will ‘go well’.
But that’s not what I’m looking for.
I guess I’m looking for the feeling of energy and courage that I have sometimes gotten in difficult situations, and feeling that it came from somewhere … ‘beyond me’.
When I asked for it. Or just when I needed it.
That at least I can have faith in.
It’s like the breathing exercises my girlfriend has learnt to better manage the pain.
They can’t stop it, but they can make pain easier. If you open yourself to the possibility that it can happen.
That you can do it. That there is help.
Anything but curling up in a ball and pretending to be all alone when the sh… hits the fan.
Curling up, like a fetal position …
But while that version of the fetal position signals fear, there is also another version.
That of birth.