87. Another Rebuild

So I’m trying to switch my daily rhythm and blog in the mornings – before work.

I still need a better place to draw, I feel, than my bed. So I am not doing that this morning.

I have to do more housecleaning before Jay comes, but at the end of the day I will have to find a cafe en route to the office on the day and do this. There I could do that for both blogging and drawing.

You see, even on days when Jay (and his mother) has slept relatively well, I don’t expect the 2-roomer to be a good place to blog or draw.

Nor even if I manage to order just my office part in the last fifth of the apartment, here in room no. 2.

So I am already trying to just get things as un-messed as I can at home, while mobilizing to working on stuff to earn money outside of home.

And the passion and purpose stuff.

One of the basic things I need is a new computer, since the old one broke down last week after some exposure to rain through my rucksack. I am borrowing Char’s for the moment, but that is unsustainable. Especially for a web designer. I’ll have to make up my mind soon about which model to purchase and how much to pay for it.

Basically right now the battle is between power and screen size. I can have a 14 incher with the power I want for the prize I’m ready to pay or a 17 incher with less power. I can have both if I pay more.

Which I won’t. So there.

But I digress…

A good question you might have is probably: ‘Chris, why aren’t you combining your sense of purpose and passion with making money? Everybody’s doing that on the Internet these days!’

Good point. I’ve tried that for years, but … I feel I’ve reached a limit.

I feel my highest sense of purpose, which is to share life’s ups and downs and how to survive them, can best be preserved in this Blog. That could be monetized down the line, as the years pass and I get more content and get myself going on promotion. Then I might create a decent affiliate income, say.

My passion, in the truest sense of the word, is creativity, though – like drawing and storytelling. Tried to monetize those for years, esp. writing, and failed every time. I simply don’t have the patience to write a book. I do okay on novellas and live-talks, though, and is already earning a decent side-income from the latter.

My skills which are in the highest demand is web design and communication planning, though. That seems to be where the market is. And I do get some creative and personal and purposeful satisfaction from doing just that. Albeit on a different and not so thrilling level.

But ‘work is work’, like a friend of mine says.

There doesn’t seem to be any way for me to bridge the 3 – proficiency most in demand to pay bills here and now (web design) with highest passion (storytelling through images) with highest sense of purpose (sharing life experiences).

The only way is probably to work on monetizing this blog down the line, which is a necessity because as I grow older (and as I don’t have much in the way of pension) I don’t want to rely on having time or health enough to work hours to make money, for someone else or in my own firm. That’s a losing proposition …

This isn’t the post where I give you a solution to a dilemma that has plagued me (and many others) for years, five minutes before I become a semi-senior dad and swamped in new and scary responsibilities.

This, I suppose, is just a status. A way of honestly saying where I am on my journey right now.

But also that, despite all, I believe there is a journey, with a specific meaning – even for those who live a lot less than I have done.

I believe in the After. I believe what people experience when they have a near-death-experience is real. I don’t know much more, but I know that I have faith that these experiences are positive signs. That we are not lost, never lost. And part of something greater.

Despite Trump, Syria, child mortality and general confusion here on Earth. And in my life.

Despite feeling overwhelmed for the nth time in my life with Change:

It’s been only 2 years since my father-in-law died from cancer, since we moved twice in 1 year.

Since I had a shitty, exhausting night shift job running through its sixth and last year.

It’s been 1 year since my aunt died suddenly. It’s been ups and downs and with more to come now.

More storms brewing … but at least for a good cause. I still look so much forward to Jay. I do.

So I guess this is just the story that I’m once more getting up and looking at the rain, and despite all the blessings I do have, I can honestly say that I feel swept away by the winds. Once again.

I don’t feel good overall, to be trite.

I feel things aren’t ‘gelling’. Despite me trying so hard and making much progress.

But I believe they can.

I don’t want to achieve 100 percent harmony between passion, profit and purpose like the make-money-gurus online say I can, whilst hustling their course.

I’m not sure I believe it is possible or even desirable. I think experience shows otherwise. Not unless you are very special, like perhaps … who?

Apparently I am very special, but in a different kind of way.

I have three different ‘pulls’:

– one for more passion-stuff (art),

– one for more purpose-stuff (this blog)

– and one for more money-making stuff (web design).

I haven’t yet find a way to achieve greater synergy. I don’t know how much greater synergy can be achieved.

I only know I have to find a way, especially with a newborn soon to come. Or go crazy.

So I have my work cut out for me, as a father-to-be-soon and as man and as a human.

I have to find a way through this sense of standing in the misty middle-aged rains of confusion and feeling deja vu all over again.

I have to make a conscious decision to find a way to make this part of my life more harmonious.

Acknowledge the progress I have already made, yes, but do better still.

And keep my head high to show people that that is right. Even if you don’t know what else is right. Right now.

I was depressed once in my life, very much so. For years and years. Real dirty depression. It ended badly – very badly. Anxiety, hospitalization, you name it.

I can’t remember how badly it felt now. Only that it felt very bad. That it was very bad. That it nearly killed me.

And I know I’m not going there again. I know I am in a better place.

That should be enough to make me hold my head high and begin another rebuild.

And I want you to do the same.