90. Threshold

Today I tried to put up some of the last shelves but discovered we hadn’t the right screws in our motley collection. Whatever. The whole 2-roomer was a mess again, so that was just one little drop.

Another came when I took down the old shelf-system, which is to be replaced by the new big cupboard for grown-up and baby-clothes. I put some books on the new shelves I had put up yesterday and discovered that the one I wasn’t able to put up today would maybe take 5 per cent of the rest.

So I had a big pile of books I didn’t know what to do with. And decisions had to be taken.

I put more books aside then for giving away, throwing away and maybe selling. And some other items, but mostly books. We read a lot in our previous lives, and it’s hard to constantly having to decide throwing something out that you actually valued.

So the trick isn’t to say that something hasn’t value after all.

It’s just to say that something hasn’t value enough, given our new situation.

“Situation” = need for about 35-40 per cent more space on 55 square meters, for baby-stuff, baby-toys, baby-furniture etc.

For example, I care a lot about dreadnoughts. You know, battleships. I have some wonderful big lug-books about that hobby of mine.

But … it’s a hobby. And I can and should buy them again as ebooks, if I want to keep them. They, and similar books, simply take up too much space.

And other things. But still …

We moved in 2014 and again in 2015 and I think I threw out, gave away or sold about 30 percent of my books and comics then and since then.

And know I reckon it’s 30-40 per cent more of the rest.

And other things. But still …

Just so you know the numbers, more or less. I haven’t counted scientifically. It’s pure guestimation.

Anyway. It has been daunting, like all the rearranging and the mess Which.I.Just.Hate.

But … overall I’m satisfied.

I’m satisfied that I’m forced to trim all things and sharpen up. Physically, mentally, even spiritually.

I haven’t made much progress since I healed from a severe mental illness back in ’06.

That’s not trying to show off by being modest, by the way.

I Was Really Ill: Rampant anxiety, obsessions, depressions. It was that bad.

But I got better. I made myself better. I took a terrible, terrible situation and turned it around.

And … 11 years later I have only got a lot of additional experiences to show for it:

– socially,
– on the jobmarket,
– travelling.

Mostly in those three categories.

And of course: with death.

People have been dying since back then, of course. They always do, but in recent years it’s been close, like my father-in-law.

But … career-wise and in terms of defining and living what I feel is my purpose and passion on this earth … well, here the results are not that impressive.

Not that I haven’t tried.

I sure as Hell have tried.

Even if you deduct all the wasted time on Facebook, social media and just staring into the air, feeling sorry for myself. Even if you deduct that.

I know I have tried.

I have fought like god-knows-what to Make It All Work:

– Earn money,
– live passionately
– live purposefully.

It hasn’t worked. Not enough.

It has worked very poorly, in fact.

I had a shitty job for years – as night watch for a disabled person.

I tried to write a book – again – for years and gave up.

I tried a zillion applications and didn’t get anything out of it.

I tried all sorts of plans, projects and schemes to found a business, took courses and whatnot.

Didn’t work either.

And know I have my own socalled company selling webdesign and consulting. Then I teach a bit and give live-talks.

And when the honeymoon with a newborn is over I’m obligated to make money on my own, more creatively, more aggressively than when I just had a dronejob or when I was on insurance.

Otherwise: bust.

Just like cleaning house: If we don’t do it now, Jay will not be pleased. There has to be room for him.

That’s it. End of discussion. His needs take precedence now. Not any old book about dreadnoughts.

I don’t feel I have been a slouch.

I haven’t.

I can say that with a straight face.

But I haven’t been good enough either.

For all sorts of reasons.

I haven’t been good enough to realize my life. With regard to three decisive things:

– make enoughmoney on my own
– do work I’m more passionate about
– do work I feel has more purpose

Together or combined or in synergy or whatever.

I haven’t been good enough.

That much is clear.

So maybe God is helping me here, too – to be good enough.

By forcing me to be.

Now.

Not because I have been a slouch, but because I need this particular push. In this particular present stage of my life’s journey.

Trick is … I don’t know if I will succeed.

I don’t know if I can earn enough.

I don’t know if I can be happier creatively¬† – and I guess that certainly means with regard to doing something more that is my ‘passion’ than I already do.

I don’t know if I can do something with more purpose … purpose which I yearn for (and more purpose than just taking care of Jay and my family).

I don’t know if I can do any of that.

I just know that now I have to. In some way that works.

Or … we won’t have enough money a few years down the line and I won’t have enough peace of mind or in my heart.

Not options.

So I have to.

I have to find more money.

I have to find more passion.

I have to find more purpose

With – apparently – less time and surplus now, when I am to be a father.

I have to.

That fact is almost enough to make me feel confident I’ll succeed in some way. Maybe not the way I imagine, but some way that I will feel in my soul – at the end of the day – (or at the end of this life) …

Was Good Enough.

Yes, that fact is almost enough to make me feel …. confident.

For there is always doubt, too.

Because it seems such a daunting task … all of it.

And what if we can’t hack the most daunting task at all in the midst of this … taking care of little Jay?

Well, there it is.

It’s like a true crossroads, I guess.

You stand there, you can see the way ahead.

You know you’re going to walk the right way now, not any of the others. But you don’t know still, you have no guarantee you will get there.

Or maybe that is called something else … maybe it is something else, what I feel. Like a threshold.

Whatever. I guess the only thing I can say to that is that: I have to make it all work now. Come closer to what I yearn for than ever before.

To make enough money, to live more passionately, to live more purposefully.

At the very least, I’ll have to get an absolutely clear understanding of what I need and how much I need when it comes to money, passion and purpose.

What I need that I don’t feel I have now.

There can be no more vagueness, or just waiting around for these things to become crystal clear.

And when they have, that is half the battle won.

But despite these continued uncertainties – with regard to Jay, money, passion, all these big and small things …

Despite those …

Despite my fear that I’ll break down … that there’ll be So Much Difficulty making it all work …

That one day we can’t pay the rent … or …

Despite all that …

I still feel it is good that I was pushed here.

Not because I was a slouch before. But I wasn’t flying high enough.

But I needed a push to fly higher. Go up where I wanted to be.

I needed that.

As long as I know that and trust in that – that this push was and is a good thing – then that is the other half of the battle won.

Because that means that I can have more faith that even if I fail again to go all the way I want to go, then at the exact time when I am threading water or drifting or whatever …

At that time, I’ll get another right push, so I can go to the next level.

Feeling that faith may be difficult to describe. It is …

And it is not all that firm – the faith. But it is there. It is there and it is building.

And perhaps that is the ultimate goal above all goals. Not a certain amount of money, or passion or even purpose or anything else. Quantified and crossed off on your Super Goals List or your bucket list ditto.

But a growing sense of faith that whatever you need you will receive, get closer to, be directed to.

I don’t have that a 100 per cent yet. I probably never will.

But I feel it is building a little bit, or perhaps more. And I can affirm that.

Someone – God? – pushed me and it was right at the right time. Of that I am not in doubt. I am not in doubt, that despite defeats and anxieties, my life will now take another turn for the better.

Can’t explain why, but the feeling comes as I truly reflect upon what has happened since Jay’s coming was announced in September last year.

I guess that’s enough for now.

Share