18. Behind the Backside

The last day before Christmas day saw the office for the so called entrepreneur program almost empty, but I didn’t mind.

One meeting with an architect who had a need of making invisible some table-borders somebody had coded for her – and that was it. I went home again.

Char had the day off, and had bought some last Christmas presents, but was tired.… Read more

17. Sorrow’s Opportunity

For every instance of grief and hopelessness, every experience of it, there is an opportunity to do some good elsewhere. This opportunity is, in a sense, fueled by the sorrow of the very situation that seems so devoid of any ‘good’.

The opportunity arises if enough energy can be mustered, from the insistence on bringing balance in one’s perspective … which can be done when one is ready.… Read more

16. The Key

Peace is first and foremost an Inner Experience, an Inner Journey. So outside events can be pretty screwy and it is still possible to create inner peace, in principle, as long as the focus is on it and not primarily on controlling outside events.

Some events, of extreme stress cannot be controlled – inside or outside.… Read more

13. The Upside

Went to the yearly Christmas gathering at the house of Char’s uncle. It’s nice but by no means extraordinary.

There are a lot of different family members and that means different lives, values, interests – none of them particulary resonant with mine.

But I had good talks all around, especially with Char’s cousin.… Read more

11. Simple Power

I had two meetings today with people I helped with their websites. I also got 2 rejections from employers I applied for a job.

But at least I helped – did something for someone. The people in question were friends, by the way, but does it matter?

It might as well have been others, like a shop-owner I help regularly with her webshop … like today, actually.… Read more

9. Medicine

Whenever I feel really, unpleasantly restless, I have found that it is good medicine to just start cleaning the house and clearing out old stuff.

Making order and focus in my surroundings tend to gradually pull me back to a feeling of order and focus in my mind.

At the very least, I will feel some sort of accomplishment.… Read more

8. Never nothing

I donated about 35 dollars this evening to the Red Cross’ efforts to save children and everybody else in Syria. I just couldn’t stand reading about it in the news anymore.

Aleppo is falling – even more than it has fallen before, and in so many dark ways.

Thousands of innocent people trapped in there, like a cage of hell.… Read more

7. Enemy of Coffee

Today I decided to seriously-now-or-never cut my coffee to one cup per day max – and keep it that way.

The ‘mental race’ I described yesterday may be natural, whatever the cause of the flickers of anxiety:

… my upcoming fatherhood …

… my general sensitivity …

… sharp shards from a broken psyche of 11 years ago …

But it is a truth, I’ve read over and over again:

If you want mental calm, you Don’t.… Read more

5. New Order

I had difficulty sleeping in the early hours, as so often these days.

My mind was racing, feelings with echoes of anxiety throwing my focus around like a pinball – and very much away from sleep.

I think it’s a combination of old scars from the days when I was hospitalized perhaps further back, and natural nervousness about becoming a father – a major life change.… Read more