178. How I Sabotage Myself From Earning Money

I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.

I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.

I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see – deep deep down – that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.

I have saved no one, not even myself.

If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.


177. Minor Questions About Why

I wasn’t able to choose, and this is painful to admit. I have tried everything from writing novels to creating niche information businesses online and I have given up before going very far, or finishing products.

I haven’t been consistent and persistent, and that is the truth. I wanted the quick fix. Or I got frustrated when I didn’t get it, and I suddenly felt that either I didn’t earn fast enough, or I didn’t do something that quite gelled with my best passion. And I needed the latter, because I usually worked shitty jobs. So the passion had to be the highest, not just ‘okay’ level like my current webdesign business is.

The problem is still there, then, but it has been limited somewhat by graduating to a way of living that is better than doing social care work for disabled persons. Which was meaningful, yes, but too boring, too hard, and too poorly paid to be a good option.

I’ll tell you the story of why I ended up doing this with a university degree some other time. But that is what happened.

Lastly, I would say marketing. I haven’t been good at marketing myself whenever I have been at least a little consistent for periods in my choice of income project.

But fair enough. These are some hard insights and I’m not sure I won’t get impatient again.

I’m not sure at all.

But now I am sure I have the insights. And that is worth a lot.


176. Immediately

I may not get what I want in terms of money, but I will get answers. I have to. I can’t just let all those rivers carry me away anymore – to a destination I don’t decide.

I decide one thing and that is that I WILL have answers. For my sake. For my family’s sake.

I will fight for myself and my happiness. I will.

And at the very least I will get knowledge.

And in that decision alone, lies hope.


114. True Rewards

I know it sounds puritan but what choice do I have? If I want to write and finish a story, in some format, and make some money this way in the future – instead of all the other ways that I’m sick of – then … I’ve got to be puritan.
Or serious, if you will.

No ‘rewards’ for a long hard day’s work, like noise or sweets.

Just use my last to get that story done, or writing of equal importance – like this.

Then what’s left of time and energy can be used to give myself a reward.

If I feel I still need one.


112. Status Quos

I want to make money by myself but in more joyful ways than I do now. It’s not about passive income over active income, although I once not so long ago deluded myself into believing that that was all it was about.

It’s about more joyful ways of making income. Of continually raising the bar.

That’s a new status quo worth fighting for. And one that might just this time make me keep fighting long enough until I get to it.


101. You Buy Me Things

I’ll experiment with my prices and some things I won’t do, some things I will. Other things I will regret doing for that price, and still other things I would like to repeat – like my historical talks:350 bucks for 2 hours of enjoyable work – let me have more of that!

But aside from food and shelter for ourselves and our son, I bloody won’t be constrained by having to chase a certain kind of client with a certain size of wallet, not because I’m more interested in them or a better match with my skills.

But because they are able to pay my rent for an apartment with three extra rooms I don’t use.


91. My Movie

Perhaps this is the time in the movie of my life when they are going to play “The Eye of the Tiger” while I go out to jog again and get into shape.

Instead of going to play again or watch a video and try to hide from the fact that I’ll be 43 soon and haven’t figured out much yet.

I don’t want to see the latter movie, so I’d better make my own.


25. Number Games

I thought it would help me to think ‘it is easier earning a small amount than a bigger amount’ when starting my company. Because those first few thousands of dollars would be hard, and more dollars would be even harder. But it made me feel depressed and demotivated to think of earning only 3000 dollars a month. However, I have found out that if I imagine a goal of 6000 dollars a month I feel *much* more motivated, – although I know with my rationality that it will be twice as hard. To a certain level, the reward is more important than costs of having to work harder. The level of 3000 also reminded me too much of all the time I have been struggling to achieve just that – survival – level of income per month. Perhaps that is the real answer to why I am motivated to leave it behind – however much I have to fight for it.


1. The Best Position

Two people, out of the blue, approached me and gave me hope there was a demand for my services in my planned company, after I had struggled with myself about this issue for many hours and come to a decision:

I felt like despair but decided to affirm that I would get help eventually. Was this coincidence? I think not, but does it matter, if it works? Even if these people had not ‘popped up’ as quickly as they did after I made this decision to nurture faith and not despair, it would at least be a mindset that had given me a better, calmer place inside from which to fight – to make what I wanted real.