I realize more and more that this is what I have to do in order to get time to do that other thing – which I love.
I can’t wait to clean out my to do-lists. I can’t even try to decide to delete items from them to make them smaller and spend time on that. I don’t want to pretend that there’ll ever be a period in my life when other people won’t – for good or bad reasons – stand in line to take chunk out of my (life) time. They will. It will happen.
So if I ever have to get more of this Love done … I have to become better at just stopping and doing it. Much better.
There’s a lot more nuance to it, but this is the heart of it.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
―Rainer Maria Rilke
So money, miscast loyalty to others, and devotion to productivity methods that may work for others but not oneself.
Those three agendas sucked out a lot of energy from the YA novel, until I shelved it when other parts of reality killed the last of my motivation, notably my need to focus on my own business, on getting settled in yet another new apartment and dealing with the personal and relationship fall-out after (at first) not having been able to have Jay, after many treatments. Oh, and a couple of close family members died, too. Just sayin’ …
There is, in all matters, something about forcing things that rarely seem to work for me, unless it is a deadline in webdesign or such.
I found out the Internet itself was the problem – and the temptation to focus on everything else than what you had decided to focus on.
Dragged an old drawer Char has inherited from her mum back down from the attic, because we don’t have enough space – even with our new mega-cupboard. Jay’s toys and clothes are already piling up, but I don’t think that’s so much of a problem anymore. In fact, it feels easier and easier to clean up and let go of our stuff, and also to decide which of his things to keep. And for how long.
It is not that easy, mind you. But the exercise of throwing things out and constantly evaluating what you need and what you don’t need does get relatively easier if you are forced to make it – constantly. And we are.
It feels as if it is with this exercise as with any other kind of exercise: It gets easier the more you do it. The hard part is getting started.
I wonder if the goal for the rest of my life should not be to set larger and larger goals – about accomplishments and achievements? I mean, forget more power and influence or ratings or readers or fans or whatnot. Focus more on cultivating the feeling that there is always an inner surplus of faith and calm and peace, but also of a sense of beauty and excitement – about things big and small.
It is hard to put into words, but perhaps it is a bit like the feeling you have when you have been at the beach all day long with family on a vacation and everything has gone well. You are calm and relaxed but you also have other sights and experiences you want to see. However, what is important it that your base on the beach, and in the holiday house perhaps – they are there. That sense of a base of calm and rejuvenation, from which you can venture out. I really can’t put it better than that right now.
It doesn’t negate large external goals, like growing my company to have employees – from 10 to 1000, or such. But perhaps that focus on ‘cultivating the beach’ is what underlies it all. If I feel I am moved away from that, while building my company then I am building in the wrong way, at the wrong time or I should not build at all.
But sometimes you have to go on an intuition, if you feel it strong enough. Even if there are many unanswered questions and will be for some time.
If I do anything about it – and I’m not sure if and when … then it has to be video. My first product. In my webdesign business. And teaching on video. And talking on video.
Just like my historical live-talks, in a way, but with a less passionate subject.
But the medium is also my passion. And maybe that is enough this time.
Fear is an integral part of human life and it doesn’t matter that we are no longer living on the savanna looking over our shoulders all the time for saber tooth tigers. It doesn’t matter if we – as I do – have a more or less comforting spiritual world view and accompanying experiences (or beliefs that we have had certain experiences that confirms this view). It doesn’t matter if we are generally endowed with a very strong psychic condition whether from nature or from training, as certain special troops in the military many have, for example.
Fear is not something you eliminate from life. Even Jesus feared the cross. Joan of Arc feared the fire. We fear all the time.
Fear is not something you eliminate from life. It is something you learn to live with in better and better ways.
And fortunately, it is possible to do so and still have a good life.
And despite all my good intentions, all my insight, all my experience, all my … love – despite all of my capabilities, I am here – in a very fragile position, despite the strengths I still have.
And still, a part of me seems to oppose my attempts to heal, to ask for and receive a period of peace and respite.
That is a hard admission to make.
And all I can do is every moment I have with just a little bit of freedom of mind and space, to ask my Soul – in there somewhere – to work fully with me, to set me free. To receive help. Try to soften up whatever hard barrier once petrified around it.
There is only that one thing to do in such a situation.
Like climbing a mountain, one step at a time. As you do with any mount
Maybe I am a really super-smart-ass guy who knows a lot more about life than anyone else my age, huh?
Yeah, maybe so.
Would I prove it, then, by tearing somebody else’s life-advice apart because I felt envious about his success?
So … just timing out and stopping to relax and have a cake. Is that really a cure for such gloominess?
Sometimes, apparently, it can be.
Whatever work I do in the future, to earn a living, as long as it is not too dreary or filled with a majority of people I don’t resonate with … it is certainly work that will have to include and be done for … other people.
Actively. Face to face.
Not from a distance. Not always, at least.
This was another reminder. But I will take it to heart.