598. Reminders of Purpose

A friend of mine who was admitted to the psychiatric ward at much the same time as I, is a pensioner today. He does not have a strong purpose.

His ‘purpose’ if it even exists in any meaningful form, is mostly about surviving and getting by. More concretely it is about being safe, and about doing stuff he enjoys like reading or watching television.

Of course his case is more complicated than that brief glimpse, but it does make one wonder, doesn’t it?

I mean, my friend and I went through the same ordeal more or less at the same time.

We had very similar symptoms of anxiety and depression, strong enough for us to be admitted to hospital. Me in 2005. Him in 2006.

Today one of us is still in there. In a kind of hospital.

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595. Standards

Some people selling the good life on the Internet are on to something. They do really seem to have it good.

They are also human beings – like my best of friends. Whom I have disagreed vehemently with at times.

No reason to hold the sellers than to a higher standard, even if they are good salespersons.

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536. Keep In Mind

Focus areas on a day where I mostly take care of Jay and the house … 

Who do I really feel I am or should be?

How do I connect with more like-minded friends? Who are they? Where are they?

Are my major goals the best goals I can have for making an impact in this life?

Hazy questions but important ones. Asked with every breath, as I walk the pram, and at the same time … something to think about if I could escape for a moment and go to a mysterious beach and contemplate everything while a little bit of eternity passed.

I don’t have the answers clearly, although I have outlines. I probably won’t find them soon. I definitely won’t find them today, because there is only time for the necessaries. 

But I will keep them in mind while I do what is necessary.

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519. Project Coalescing

I think The Blog can be defined as an ‘A’ project. It is the project with the longest time horizon, and only Purpose as its single driving factor. I do this for Purpose, not Passion or Profit.

Hammer and Magic is ‘B’: I do it for Passion first, then a Purpose – insofar as theme is purposeful. I would like to Profit from it in the long term, though, and make it truly purposeful by donating the surplus.

Something or other with the Incas and Peru – with Char – that would be ‘C’. It is done, if it is ever done again, with Passion first, then with a view to some Profit and then there is probably a Purpose, too, which we need to draw it. I have ideas for it again – how to revive it. But it will not be … soon. Reality says otherwise.

My business is my ‘D’. It is for Profit first, then Purpose, then Passion. It is okay. And it can grow. But it is for Profit first, and thus the project with the shortest term. 

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412. I Choose My Days

“I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.”
– Dawna Markova

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407. We Spend Our Lives

“We spend our lives, all of us, waiting for the great day, the great battle, or the deed of power. But that external consummation is not given to many: nor is it necessary. So long as our being is tensed, directed with passion, towards that which is the spirit of all things, then that spirit will emerge from our own hidden, nameless effort.” -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

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384. What Makes Life Stronger?

What it is that we can come closer to that makes life stronger, despite the outward signs that it becomes frailer and closer to an ending?

What is it that makes life worth living for, even more?

I have an ex-friend who has now more or less walled himself in. He sits in his apartment all day long. He is a pensioner. He has the occasional cancer-scare, too. 

He has some reasons, yes, but overall it has, I will argue, been his own choice to give up and just wall himself in and not reach out for any other life qualities than safety.

Which he can never completely have? How safe is it sitting and watching TV and waiting not to get cancer?

Maybe he won’t get it, but in terms of having a good life experience I think my mother is better at finding that path that makes her life feel stronger, despite all the shadows that chase it.

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368. The Purpose of Chemo

We can only wait and see, but the important thing to me is that even though I feel personally (and I would never argue this to my mother) that it had been best to let it go without chemo, since this is her choice (as it should be) there may be an important gain here.

There may be a blessing in disguise here. Something that we can call out, if we want to, and if she doesn’t get to ill and too obsessed with being ill from chemo and what to do for daily relief.

And I’m putting a big parenthesis around the fact that we may – may – have bought her x number of more years to live. We will never know that. But if cancer ever resurfaces she will be more ready, I believe. She will also, importantly, know she has done what she could. 

The opposite side of that coin is to feel cursed, of course. But avoiding a guilt trip if your life is threatened again, that is more important now. As is finding a place for this ghost in our souls.

I believe the path my mother has chosen now can be useful to find that place. It may lead to even more and more blessed places I cannot yet imagine.

But first we have to deal with the everyday illness and insecurity and Christmas and all the practicalities that arise from poisoning your cells in order to achieve a result worth the pain.

And so we will.

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351. Refocusing The Purpose

if there is one way to truly make a difference – over time – today it is on the Internet where 17 year old fashion bloggers attract 17 million followers easily. So you can get attention, you can share something widely, and – over time – you can make a difference in people’s lives. I may only be able to reach a few thousand people over the years, in a way that really matters, and many more in more superfluous ways, but I do believe this is the best way – to blog. And blog to share. Experiences.

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319. The Project

But that Big Project – like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow – is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital – financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don’t feel like that any longer. As I’ve already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong.

And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I’ve chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done.

But maybe I don’t need to.

Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.

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294. For Good

What I write will – I hope – inspire readers to identify and see more of is good, meaningful, connected in their own lives. And see practical ways of solving problems and challenges in the mess of everyday life, even if it is nothing fancy like the Huge Personal Development Change Course. It is my belief that such a lift will also give readers – you – more surplus to do something else for others, whatever you feel is right for you to do. And if that happens, lots can be achieved.

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