Even the mildest of things, the most innocent of situations can suddenly become an argument, or the auto-reaction to a perceived attack.
I’d like to say that Char is more responsible than I, it is certainly what I feel at times. But in reality, I know, we are both responsible.
And the reason is probably that we, despite our age and experience and love for each other, are strung out at times by baby Jay, and me by trying to do the business.
In addition …
But the only relevant question here is what we will do with this awareness. Because there is not so much else we can change now about our circumstances. Only our will to react differently to these.
In general: I don’t leave people.
And I do keep promises.
And I do do my best to help, even if it means making someone happy that they have a nice-looking webshop despite soon having to close the real shop.
That’s what I do and that’s who I am. And somehow that feels quite all right.
Everything just blew up this morning, our frustrations, my stress. So much for the podcast I actually managed to make yesterday for my product line about peace, joy etc.
After the initial waves, had lasted, though … I just gave up. I think we both did.
Sat and stared into the air, playing distractedly with Jay.
But it helped. Realizing you can’t really do anything but lie down and wait. Give up, in a sense.
After steam has blown, just wait for it to evaporate. Accept that things are going to be muddled and nothing will be perfect for a while.
Then start rebuild, bit by bit.
I like to believe, though, that there is progress, greater wisdom, easier choices, as you grow older.
I feel there are. But they are hard to describe and measure.
Others are building their homes in cyberspace or have been building for a long time. They will appreciate more than anything else that people stop by and give a hand.
So there must be some lack in her, like there has been in me for years, which makes her reach out for the kind of attention which seems not really to be about helping other people, more like helping herself … to something. And it is pissing me off.
But I can let go of it after a few days, not just because I see the same attention-seeker in myself from years back.
But because the other side of the story is that she is down there, saving lives. And it is certainly that which she wants as well. I’m up here and so are many others.
She is down there, in Africa, doing the hard work. Sacrificing time, money and security, and a bit of family as well – to do it. And she will go again and again. For the rest of her life.
She is doing the hard, difficult and dirty work of saving people nobody cares about.
That gives her the right to yearn for attention, and I should remind myself of that whenever possible.
It’s one of the nice things about middle-age. About age in general – if it hasn’t killed you.
You can be the rock for someone else. In so many ways …
Who are you a rock for?
We spend more time liking people on Facebook nowadays, or trying to get liked, then going out and talking to real people.
Or just sitting still and listening to our hearts, what we truly want – who can help us – where we should truly go …
There are many ways of giving.
Perhaps we can measure our feeling of being blessed in direct relation to how aware – and how appreciative – we are of each.