Our propensity to become angry with each other has been and is still strong, over all sorts of things. Mostly irrelevant things. So this will be the topic for the summer: How to heal. Because we are not split yet - obviously. But we are hurt. In more ways than one. I suspect we could ride it out on routine, love for Jay and dedication to him and to making at least every day work. But why settle with that? Why not use the summer to really think about this - how we can get back on track, and with more - lots more - love for each other than we have been able to show and give in the recent year? Why not? There is every reason to take this very seriously. I think this could be the most important summer yet.
After 25 years of trying to write a novel and failing I have realized, as previously discussed that that path is not for me. Complicated reasons but this is the conclusion. So I only write stories now, in my spare time, to get energy. To have fun. IF that goal is achieved, then I write to get read. To find readers. To entertain. IF that goal is achieved then I will try to monetize the work, get it sold in a market. IF that succeeds to a level of some significance I will try to set aside funds from the surplus to donate to some cause or other. And I do have a dream of reaching that last stage. I really do. But not at expense of the first stage: To get energy, to have fun. Never again. If that makes me fail to reach the dream, so be it. It is not worth doing it otherwise. I have tried that too often. And now I will go and do more dishes.
So I think I will go do the dishes now. That may eat more time, but at least it will free more energy. In my head, I think. So whatever time is left I might be able to use better, before off to work.
It would really be a great help, and steady a lot of things, if one of us got a steady, high-paid job - after years of uncertainty here. And now with Jay along. So of course there is fear it won't come anyway. Or ever. But ... perhaps that fear just has to be accepted. Lived with. I mean, I can write all sorts of good things about how we are just going to press on if things don't turn out as we hope. But before that ... how about just accepting the fear instead of fighting it? It is not easy. But I will try. I think it actually helps.
I should be able, with that temp work in place, to just say: 'Oh hell - I feel bad this morning. I have 2 hours. I don't have to do anything but it down, relax and wait until I feel better'. So no pushing for customer search or whatever. Sure, then it will take longer to built up a 'steady' customer network. And all sorts of other things. But again, I am simply too old to continue this trend of letting the future keep me hostage and not able to relax and ... feel good about being here now. I'm going to do anything to not let that happen. And then all sorts of goals that I know will indeed give me happiness once completed - they will have to wait a bit longer. Because I am busy being happy right now.
Then autumn comes around and hopefully new customers and less manual work. Hopefully Char will have a steady job by then, and I can stay at home to work. Then we just need to find some kind of chaos-control solution for said home, so I don't have to spend an hour getting everything cleaned up before I can start working. Or maybe I just have to spend that hour at another time, because the mess seems to be a permanent feature of 3 people (including one 1-year old) and too little space, relatively speaking. And too little time. And energy. So I guess I can't change 'outer space' all that much. But I have to keep trying. Chip away a little here and there of the obstacles. There really is no other choice. As always.
"Whenever Char and I get angry at each other, and start again with the first thing: Remembering why we love each other." - affirmation.
"I steadily get more calm in my life." - affirmation.
"Money is flowing to us from the Divine Source. Divine value is flowing from us to the world." - affirmation
"I get more and more time and energy to realize the ideal life for me" - affirmation
“I say no wealth is worth my life! Not all they claim was stored in the depths of Troy, that city built on riches, in the old days of peace before the sons of Achaea came- not all the gold held fast in the Archer's rocky vaults, in Phoebus Apollo's house on Pytho's sheer cliffs! Cattle and fat sheep can all be had for the raiding, tripods all for the trading, and tawny-headed stallions. But a man's life breath cannot come back again- no raiders in force, no trading brings it back, once it slips through a man's clenched teeth. Mother tells me, the immortal goddess Thetis with her glistening feet, that two fates bear me on to the day of death. If I hold out here and I lay siege to Troy, my journey home is gone, but my glory never dies. If I voyage back to the fatherland I love, my pride, my glory dies... true, but the life that's left me will be long, the stroke of death will not come on me quickly.” ― Homer, The Iliad
People who don't do affirmations about money either have enough money, or too little self-confidence to experiment with a world-view that might get them labelled as cranks. Either way, who cares. I'm just saying it works for me. Now. In this way. And I am sharing it so it can work for others, if they want. There may be a 'Law of Attraction', but certainly no Law of Forced Brainwashing to my Silly Worldviews!
Focus areas on a day where I mostly take care of Jay and the house ... Who do I really feel I am or should be? How do I connect with more like-minded friends? Who are they? Where are they? Are my major goals the best goals I can have for making an impact in this life? Hazy questions but important ones. Asked with every breath, as I walk the pram, and at the same time ... something to think about if I could escape for a moment and go to a mysterious beach and contemplate everything while a little bit of eternity passed. I don't have the answers clearly, although I have outlines. I probably won't find them soon. I definitely won't find them today, because there is only time for the necessaries. But I will keep them in mind while I do what is necessary.
Fear does not create what I want. Regret does not create what I want. Backtalk does not create what I want. Endless self-analysis does not create what I want. Anger does not create what I want. Shame does not create what I want. Only creating what I want creates what I want. And thinking it. And saying it. Only that.