Maybe I should just accept that - for whatever reason - the negative self-critic is still part of me. The part that says I have not achieved enough earning money or being famous. And then leave it at that and make my best efforts to move on and realize some of the purpose, like The Blog, or that charity project. Purpose that I know to be real and good for me, no discussion. Once that realization is bigger and fills out much of the current vacuum then the voice should have less power. So perhaps the voice addresses a true need after all. For I feel I am not doing enough to promote The Blog (as mentioned earlier) and I feel that is a problem. I also miss doing something real for charity again, and preferably with Char. Or at least have some definite goal or vision for that part of our lives, instead of just focusing - as is difficult not to - on the daily problems and challenges, esp. with an infant son and irregular income. So perhaps the voice is calling my attention to a true need, but it does so in the wrong way. It fills the actual vacuum of my life right now with calls to do something that is superficial.
Just getting up, getting out the door, going to the Royal Library, doing the best I could with my time there, but still taking care of urgent tasks that I felt could not be ignored for all sorts of reasons. Some of the good, some less good. That's a bit muddled, but it's life I guess. Not perfect, but keeping the right course.
Wouldn't it be more convincing and powerful and thus beneficial to the purpose of The Blog to go out and start showing it to the world at a turning point, when people can begin to believe that yes, this is not just a ludicrous ambition - it is actually starting to come true?
I will leave you with the image even so: Joan of Arc cursing her fate in a dark prison cell, crying, praying or even bargaining - to avoid it all. To go back to normal. To ... somewhere that is not where she is. Desolate... I will leave you with that and ask you: Is she still beautiful? The answer will decide much for you and how you will live with - or eventually escape - your own prisons. It has for me.
But in my experience we, the people, forget so often to ask them ourselves: What makes me really happy? What I do now? The way I do what I do now to get something better in the future? Or ... ? We forget. And run in all sorts of directions for peace, happiness and joy, even if we are so often missing them. Chasing wild geese ... like that stressful drive up the career ladder or whatever it is that makes no sense to strive for to become happy in the future, if it is done in such a way or if it is for such a goal so as to make us miserable for a long time in the present.
I can't do anything about Trump, except perhaps write this and hope somebody will find a more constructive way to stop him from doing bad with his present power, than writing a 25 column scathing op-ed about his latest tweet. (For that will only make him stronger!) I can remind myself, though, not to feed other trolls whenever I see them, especially on the Internet. And that the best way to starve those trolls into nothingness is to starve them off attention.
Passive income is nothing but a pipe dream - sitting there on the beach, blogging a bit and sipping a drink and then the millions roll in. But a lot of people are earning from that dream. Just not the ones buying it.
I knew it would not be so easy, just go back to the office and come home with Big Strategy. And Big Results. I knew it would be messy. And yet I dared to think for some hours that it would be fixable, easily, just like that. That I would think about things then come up with Perfect Solution For All Time. I guess I should be angry with myself for being so naive still, but I prefer to give myself a compliment for nurturing hope that things can be better.
I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic. I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down. I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see - deep deep down - that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked. I have saved no one, not even myself. If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.
But here's the thing: whomever stole this CD from the mail had at least the decency to glue the envelope together again so I got the personal letter from my friend, which accompanied the CD. My friendship with MRN and LR, my memories of our times together, my appreciation of the music of LR - none of that has been damaged by this theft. It just made me angry for a brief moment. But I like to think that whomever did this put the envelope back in circulation, because he or she had a sense of that friendship, too, because they couldn't avoid seeing there was a personal letter attached. And that was something this petty thief could not make him or herself disrespect. Maybe it is my imagination, maybe it doesn't matter. What matters is that I found that focus, after being angry at first.
The very ACT of slowing down, and timing out, will leave us with that place in the movie where the brilliant businessman or the overworked janitor or famous fashionista or dedicated housewife takes a walk along the beach or in the woods and ... is present. .... In their own life. ... Dares to think about it all ... good and bad. Feels it. And maybe ... make some changes when coming home. Going up on the hill and scout the horizon of life.
So the list is long - of things we can still do to get ready to make the birth as little as an ordeal as possible, to the degree we believe it is possible to control pain and anxiety of an even that is as natural and old and beyond human control as anything. To get ready for that, and for the many strange and extraordinary things we're going to have to deal with as newly minted not-quite-so-spry parents. But sometimes ... like tonight I find myself thinking that it's okay to have a little faith and not be obsessive about all that, and just relax and watch a movie.
Maybe that's what I need every time I feel I'm stuck and getting nowhere and having no clue. Maybe I just need to say: 'I commit.'
So there must be some lack in her, like there has been in me for years, which makes her reach out for the kind of attention which seems not really to be about helping other people, more like helping herself ... to something. And it is pissing me off. But I can let go of it after a few days, not just because I see the same attention-seeker in myself from years back. But because the other side of the story is that she is down there, saving lives. And it is certainly that which she wants as well. I'm up here and so are many others. She is down there, in Africa, doing the hard work. Sacrificing time, money and security, and a bit of family as well - to do it. And she will go again and again. For the rest of her life. She is doing the hard, difficult and dirty work of saving people nobody cares about. That gives her the right to yearn for attention, and I should remind myself of that whenever possible.