96. Courage Will Happen

Perhaps I just had to find the courage to choose Something, not wait for the right choice to show up?

Yeah, that’s it. The courage mobilization vaporized enough of the fear. Then I could see more of what I really felt. And actually make a decision that – lo and behold – maybe close to what I need to do to feel Okay.

Strange. But worth remembering. Because Big Doubt will happen again.

But so will courage.


95. Like That

Today my father (bless him) helped me start putting up the big new cupboard we bought for all our clothes and most of Jay’s.

Apartment was even more of a Mess, though, while we started working. I had to throw out the old cupboard and put all our clothes into room 2, which is already a messy store for pretty much everything from our previous lives which we haven’t been able to sort, give away or throw out yet.

But my father came over to help. At age 71. I want to be a father like that.


94. Deciding the Dealbreaker

I also have to decide very clearly, what is my definition of a deal-breaker with regard to a difficult client. Even if it hurts financially. Even if it is frightening.

But if you don’t know exactly what it is that will make you stop and take a new, in the short term more frightening course, like quitting a job or a big client, then you become even more frightened.

The courage to make that decision – and later stand by it, making it real – that is an act. Courage is action.

And deciding what my deal-breaker is with regard to this particular client is an action. An important action.

And once that decision is made, no going back, then the fear of actually carrying it out is lessened.


92. Detoxing a Way to Soul

Yesterday and the day before that I felt the first effects, I believe, of my Internet detox.

To reiterate:

No internet, except 15 min of mail in the morning, two quick news checks and perhaps looking for another blog to comment on.

+What is absolutely necessary for work, of course – but nothing else.

So far I kept at it well, and that apparently had some effects …

What can I say? At times I felt like crying.
Another description for … alive again?


91. My Movie

Perhaps this is the time in the movie of my life when they are going to play “The Eye of the Tiger” while I go out to jog again and get into shape.

Instead of going to play again or watch a video and try to hide from the fact that I’ll be 43 soon and haven’t figured out much yet.

I don’t want to see the latter movie, so I’d better make my own.


89. As It Turns Out

Also I bought the small sketch pad to have in my pocket to, well, draw on – instead of looking at the phone when I wait or commute. I had forgotten a proper pencil, of course, but there you go.

I feel good about that version. It’ll allow me to draw in bits all during the day, or rather – I allow myself to do so. At the same time I vow to constrain myself from other distractions such as the Internet. It’ll be workable and more flexible, esp. when Jay comes around.

Last up, I felt much less overwhelmed by the task of cleaning up our rooms, which I have fretted about many days before this post.

It seems all I really needed to do to feel surplus for this (rather big) task, given the circumstances, was to clean up my mind first.



87. Another Rebuild

I have three different ‘pulls’:

– one for more passion-stuff (art),

– one for more purpose-stuff (this blog)

– and one for more money-making stuff (web design).

I haven’t yet find a way to achieve greater synergy. I don’t know how much greater synergy can be achieved.

I only know I have to find a way, especially with a newborn soon to come. Or go crazy.

So I have my work cut out for me, as a father-to-be-soon and as man and as a human.

I have to find a way through this sense of standing in the misty middle-aged rains of confusion and feeling deja vu all over again.

I have to make a conscious decision to find a way to make this part of my life more harmonious.

Acknowledge the progress I have already made, yes, but do better still.

And keep my head high to show people that that is right. Even if you don’t know what else is right. Right now.


85. Perks

I. Don’t. Have. A. Job. Anymore.

I’m self-employed now.

That’s a another form of the curse of Adam in so many ways.

But it’s got its perks. Like getting to decide, mostly, when you get up and ‘go to work’.

And if I can do nothing else right now about to make energy and time for my passion and purpose, than getting up when I will, then I can damn well do that.