That is another good form of beginning, I suppose: To constantly imagine what I will draw, even if I don't have time yet to draw it. Or have even decided how ambitious I am going to be, and can possible be, about it.
But these are seeds, and they are nurtured at times when I am slogging through the winter rain to get some thing or other for Jay's dinner from one of the few super markets open.
And thus they grow.
So money, miscast loyalty to others, and devotion to productivity methods that may work for others but not oneself.
Those three agendas sucked out a lot of energy from the YA novel, until I shelved it when other parts of reality killed the last of my motivation, notably my need to focus on my own business, on getting settled in yet another new apartment and dealing with the personal and relationship fall-out after (at first) not having been able to have Jay, after many treatments. Oh, and a couple of close family members died, too. Just sayin' ...
Originally I felt like writing a post which was very dark, lamenting why I could seemingly never here in my middle years find some kind of priority-mix for creativity that worked and fit the rest of my life. Then the uplifting part - LOL - would be some conclusion about accepting that never-ending search and just appreciate that I was creative and had had many good creative experiences.
Fortunately I did not write that. I wrote this.
And in this the conclusion is that I am almost there.
Given my current life situation and priorities I HAVE to put first - such as earning money now, and taking care of family - given all that and given the limited hours, if not minutes, I have for anything else, this feels like a good combo.
I will write a bit of novellas, which I am already good at and use that process for blogging.
I will write a bit of Hammer-story and do all kinds of illustrations for it, comics pages or otherwise, whatever feels right. I will use that process as well to tell about some interesting and hopefully useful experiences here, on The Blog.
And it will be bits and bits and bits and not much more. But it will be moving forward. And that feels damn good.
I have resolved to draw 25 pages or so and then see if I am not dead. If I am not dead I can draw another story, perhaps at a greater pace.
And I am going to do it the old-fashioned way because this has become, after all the soul-searching you know about, something mostly for the sake of my soul - a meditative practice if you will that makes me feel good and rejuvenated, in all the ways.
Well ... I am not sure when the right time will be to do a little of that writing I have been talking about recently - again. Maybe I should rather reflect on how psychologists who read this in 50 years time will have a ball trying to figure my head out, due to all my wavering and vacillation when it comes to choosing and prioritizing creative projects, and then over-analyzing myself and freezing before I even get started.
Or maybe I will just start some time, when I have to force myself to use half an hour here or 15 minutes there, when I'd rather sleep and rest, and then post the result tomorrow.
I think I shall.
But right now, no matter the idealism, it just doesn't seem tenable to stand up and say: 'Now I will really prioritize Creative Project A so I can show what I am made of and do this before I die'.
No, now is the time to be patient and chip away at this bit by bit and then plan for the future. If that is the wrong choice, so be it, and it is certainly a difficult choice. But I see no other way.
Just another day in parent-land, but fortunately that is also a land with many other green pastures.