But it is okay that I am not trying to be a novel author anymore. As I think I have written about extensively in earlier posts, I was mostly in that game for the wrong reasons despite having some good ideas and some of the right emotions - the right drive.
It is a long story and I really don't care to reiterate it here and now, but suffice to say: Sometimes one can really feel no regrets.
Tried to take at least half the day off and rejuvenate my heart by writing a novella. But I was too tired inside.
The heart needs to rest first, I guess. Then it can open up again and rejuvenate by sharing what is in it.
And somehow, I think, that got stuck in my soul. As a belief now that I'm grown up that I am wasting something precious and becoming less than I could be, by giving up drawing - at least for anything else than doodling once in a while. Maybe illustrating the occasional live-talk or other limited project.
It's hard to explain and I can't 100 percent sure but I think this is the truth. Because I have constantly thought as the primary reason to continue to try to find time and energy and projects to draw ... that I should do this because otherwise 'I'm wasting talent'. But that's not the right motivation. It never was.
I constantly surprise myself. I wanted to have more in common with Tolkien than Hemingway, but I always end up with Hemingway. Or Woolf. Or Dillard, I guess.
I don't measure up to any of them, but we are talking about subject matter here, perhaps the only subject matter there truly is:
with baby, visits, house-stuff and too little time for making money or just making some time for oneself.
And yet, when the house was quiet, I decided to take out the drawing pad. I had almost given up.
But now I was drawing for the first time in months.
I just want it to be.
So that part of my soul is not lost. That's all that matters.
So I have bogged down and it has been stop-start for over a month, going slower and slower.
So today I had to drag myself back to it, if only to read like 5 pages and do the edits.
I guess that is what it is all about, what they all say ... what being a writer is about.
What a morning - writing while trying to fix a clogged toilet, fix breakfast for my pregnant girlfriend, fix shopping, fix everything.
But I got written a bit for my Story.
And soon on to the accounting.
I'm glad I delayed that last part until I had the Story-bit done.