As I get older I find that I still struggle with fears, perhaps more so than before - fears that come out of nowhere.
But, I suppose, founded in reality. Or potential reality.
Fear of growing old, dying suddenly, getting ill, becoming handicapped, losing Char or Jay like that, etc.
Those and other fears. But the physical ones - about physical danger - seem more pertinent. They circle like shadows of sharks.
I have before berated myself for those fears, but as I grow older I also find that the only way to deal with them properly is to accept them completely.
And then use the rest of the time to the best of my ability, regardless whether the fears come true or not.
It is difficult but it is the only way. Otherwise you get a vicious circle with fear of ... fear.
And I could say the same about a lot of other sharks.
If you feel bad about how little you achieve in a day, then try to lower your expectations. Not too much, just a little, until you feel better. Praise yourself for what you have achieved. Affirm that you will achieve more of what is truly important, just not today.
It sounds like hard work - this kind of control - and it is. But it is much harder on you to succumb to the allure of bashing yourself about all the things you can't do in a given day and how problematic that is.
That is the result of expectations that have become toxic - blocks to actually realizing and achieving something because you spend too much time to worry about these expectations and why they are not fulfilled more.
Your Life's Journey. Where are you going in it?
What is The Most Important Destination?
Answer that and you will have one powerful tool to knock out stress. Not the only one, but one of the big ones.
A power-tool, if there ever was one!
And now, today, I felt again afraid that I - for some reason - would not make it. Would not draw all the things I really want to draw. Or write all the things I really want to write.
Very afraid ...
And I think I know why ...
I felt afraid because I was not spending enough time doing it.
For when I don't spend enough time doing it, then ... it is obvious to feel afraid: "What if I die tomorrow or next year? ... Without having ... "
I see that now.
And I shared that.
I hope you can use it. I can.
Maybe my mum doesn't want that kind of ambiguity when talking about her post-cancer operation treatment options, because I don't give her straight answers and tell her one course, just as she is not comfortable with my brother's very straight-forward directness about what he definitely things she should do.
Maybe she just wants things to go on as normal, forever. Unfortunately, that is a wish nobody can fulfill.
So we will have to do our best to make the time until forever starts, as beautiful as possible.
The chemo choice is not about managing cancer, it is about managing fear. And that I know for sure.
And that is something I will use all my resources to help her with, because as long as there is life and no reason to believe it ends soon then that should be a life fully lived, not half lived. And a life half lived is a life in fear.
Or conflict. So no calls to my brother trying to persuade him to be less harsh with my mother. I'm not even sure he was "harsh" - maybe just blunt. And, of course, afraid on her behalf - of her making the wrong choice. But my mother made it sound, well, different ... "I think he thought I was crazy" she said on the phone.
Well, that I hardly think my brother thought, much less said. But it just goes to show how vulnerable my mother is right now.
But fortunately, that is, as far as we know anything else, an emotional vulnerability. There is nothing more physical for the moment.
And that is what we must face. And deal with.
Management of fear, not cancer.
Although the two tend to be closely related.
But it is good to keep that in mind, what it is really about - when you try to help.
It is about that - and so it is about my mother's peace of mind.
So no calls to my brother.