I had given away and sold hundreds of comics and books in the 9 months leading up to Jay's birth and still it wasn't enough to make room enough for a family.
So I had to give away what really mattered, although it is only temporary.
But felt, even so. A lot, in fact.
I say this about comics, some from the 60s - with unforgettable stories and worth some money. You might say this about something else.
But I'd like to think you'd do the same, if you found that there really was no other priorities that made sense.
there is so much balancing to be done, it feels more often than not like an impossible task. But I should be able to get better at it, at least, if never perfect.
That much I have to believe, and believe it in my heart and soul. Otherwise, what is the point of even trying?
I think it took some time for my mum to get over that we had not revealed our efforts for 6 years to have children; she doesn't like to be kept out.
But seeing her with her grand son, I think she is definitely over that now - seeing her joy. She is right here and now with him.
And so that is all that really matters.
I did consider explaining more to her our reasons for keeping it a secret, all sorts of good reasons, especially when you are in a medical situation others can't do anything about - but worry.
But now ... it doesn't matter. Only the here and now and, in a good sense, the future.
That matters and that is good.
Wrote to all the attendants at Jay's baptism and thanked them individually for their presents and presence. It took all day, but they earned it.
Not many days and social gatherings you can say that about, so when one shows up, it's important to appreciate just that - and show it.
This Saturday I had not problem being preoccupied by "Society" for I was never a moment alone, cleaning, preparing, working a bit, helping look after Jay. But one of the beautiful parts of it was of course that my brother and sister-in-law and my mother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law all turned up to help us make the place ready which we had rented for the party after the baptism. So there was both the feeling that I wanted to be alone and get away from people and the feeling that I was full of joy because I experienced the best sides of people - what they can do for you when you need them.
We went out today, to the sea-side and enjoyed fantasizing about what it would be like being able to afford living in a house there. And just enjoyed being there, in general.
It was a long day out in the fresh air, esp. for little Jay, who slept like a log when we came home. I didn't get to make any attempts to try to make money or other business.
But if we are to stay a family and it is to make any kind of sense, all of it, this is the kind of investment I have to make regularly. And investments entail risk.
As I grew older I saw that even the most opinionated different-valued family member usually wanted to contribute. Sometimes it's a loan, sometimes it's looking after children, sometimes it is helping to fix something in the house, etc. Usually they do this because they are family. In most cases this is what it is like in all families.
There is a will to contribute. You just need to need the help, to ask for it, and, of course, to want to receive and appreciate this quality from your family and put aside your other opinions for a moment.
Today my father (bless him) helped me start putting up the big new cupboard we bought for all our clothes and most of Jay's.
Apartment was even more of a Mess, though, while we started working. I had to throw out the old cupboard and put all our clothes into room 2, which is already a messy store for pretty much everything from our previous lives which we haven't been able to sort, give away or throw out yet.
But my father came over to help. At age 71. I want to be a father like that.