So perhaps the important part was just that I recognized that if I had to have a good experience here and now, and feel more relaxed and refreshed when Jay and Char came back ... well, then it was all about NOT demanding anything of myself. Just ... relaxing. Use the time I had available to relax to ... relax. And not catch up with x, y and z.
Strange that such a simple truth can be so difficult to make a habit. But if you can you are indeed very powerful!
Last day alone and I simply drew a line and finished the office space, although I could have done a lot more sorting.
But even so the room that now serves as dining, office and living-room for about 20 sq meters still felt ... nice in the evening. Like it was actually a real room in a place where we lived and not just half-storage. So I have accomplished what I wanted and needed here. Thoughts too about family health, X-mas logistics, earning money and carving time for art and the occasional bleep about where our relationship is going with all this 24/7 baby-focus. They stood in line.
I knew I couldn't really solve any of those 'items' on the agenda, and I was very tired in the late afternoon, so I took a walk, ate some quick food and then went home and watched a movie - Wind River. I felt only a little bad about not drawing or watching educational videos on my last free night. But it was necessary to recharge and keep some kind of balance, or so I felt. Well, it felt right. Right this day, the hyper-focus on either drawing as relax or business videos as 5 minutes pastime between diaper changes and house tasks did not feel right ... simply because that context was not there.
Even if I only do 70 per cent of the clean up in the boxes and piles and stashes and cord-knots around my desk here at home - even if I only do that ... even if I don't get to work much at home anyway until Jay is in daycare - even if that is the case ...
... it's going to feel so good getting things in order. It's going to give me a lot of energy. And I need energy. Because I don't have much time and even less money.
Maybe it is the wrong choice but if there is one thing I have learnt it is that it is important to husband your resources. There are only so much crisis you can deal with at the time, or trauma healing, or difficult emotions. Sometimes you have to let the days and time heal as well. And the concern for others.
Sometimes when I have a few spare hours to myself after so much practical work I can really feel torn, if I should do more writing or blogging or maybe even business. But I have to sometimes let go and just watch a damn TV-series. Not all of the time, but sometimes and this was one of those times and it did me a world of good.
That and a whiskey before bed.
I realize that the few hours I do have, over an entire day - divided in minutes her and quarters there - they will not be used efficiently, if I have a habit of 'zoning out' with the latest news about nothing.
We talk a walk by the fjord and went to a cafe and had some coffee and Jay slept (most of the time) in his carriage.
We surfed the internet and watched some lame TV and generally did nothing.
Because I knew that that is what I needed after these past weeks' drain.
And so I managed. Despite the mist over the fjord.
When dark things do happen to you - loved ones die, illness, separation and much more - one of the first things to remember is to ask for help. It is so easily forgotten, but it is the first best step out of the dark.
What if a major reason I am stuck is that I - despite my experience - have allowed other insidious thoughts to reign for too long? Those thoughts that berate?
For truly, this morning as I ate breakfast at a nearby cafe, getting ready for work, I felt ... lighter. More joyful, if only ever-so-slightly. In fact, I felt a little ... younger.
Just like when I was actually ... that young.
I felt things were possible.
I think that has a lot to do with my resolution to do away with that inner critic on autopilot.
Maybe I can't ever do away with it entirely and that is okay. I don't attempt to be Jesus or Buddha here.
But I can certainly - certainly - make it better than now. I can make things different.
And that is the definition of hope.