Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can - like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool ... or something.
Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?
I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.
But more often than not, for my own life at least, I've found that I need to balance passion, purpose and profit - not try to force it into one place or activity. One thing I do is what I am most passionate about, work-wise. Another contains the most purpose. Another the most profit. Each contain a little bit of the other, but they are separate.
Will it change in the future? I want it to, honestly. But for now it seems like I have to strike a balance, and learn to strike it better every day. Like most other humans.
Passive income is nothing but a pipe dream - sitting there on the beach, blogging a bit and sipping a drink and then the millions roll in.
But a lot of people are earning from that dream. Just not the ones buying it.
I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.
I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.
I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see - deep deep down - that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.
I have saved no one, not even myself.
If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.
I wasn't able to choose, and this is painful to admit. I have tried everything from writing novels to creating niche information businesses online and I have given up before going very far, or finishing products.
I haven't been consistent and persistent, and that is the truth. I wanted the quick fix. Or I got frustrated when I didn't get it, and I suddenly felt that either I didn't earn fast enough, or I didn't do something that quite gelled with my best passion. And I needed the latter, because I usually worked shitty jobs. So the passion had to be the highest, not just 'okay' level like my current webdesign business is.
The problem is still there, then, but it has been limited somewhat by graduating to a way of living that is better than doing social care work for disabled persons. Which was meaningful, yes, but too boring, too hard, and too poorly paid to be a good option.
I'll tell you the story of why I ended up doing this with a university degree some other time. But that is what happened.
Lastly, I would say marketing. I haven't been good at marketing myself whenever I have been at least a little consistent for periods in my choice of income project.
But fair enough. These are some hard insights and I'm not sure I won't get impatient again.
I'm not sure at all.
But now I am sure I have the insights. And that is worth a lot.
I may not get what I want in terms of money, but I will get answers. I have to. I can't just let all those rivers carry me away anymore - to a destination I don't decide.
I decide one thing and that is that I WILL have answers. For my sake. For my family's sake.
I will fight for myself and my happiness. I will.
And at the very least I will get knowledge.
And in that decision alone, lies hope.
I know it sounds puritan but what choice do I have? If I want to write and finish a story, in some format, and make some money this way in the future - instead of all the other ways that I'm sick of - then ... I've got to be puritan.
Or serious, if you will.
No 'rewards' for a long hard day's work, like noise or sweets.
Just use my last to get that story done, or writing of equal importance - like this.
Then what's left of time and energy can be used to give myself a reward.
If I feel I still need one.
I want to make money by myself but in more joyful ways than I do now. It's not about passive income over active income, although I once not so long ago deluded myself into believing that that was all it was about.
It's about more joyful ways of making income. Of continually raising the bar.
That's a new status quo worth fighting for. And one that might just this time make me keep fighting long enough until I get to it.
I'll experiment with my prices and some things I won't do, some things I will. Other things I will regret doing for that price, and still other things I would like to repeat - like my historical talks:350 bucks for 2 hours of enjoyable work - let me have more of that!
But aside from food and shelter for ourselves and our son, I bloody won't be constrained by having to chase a certain kind of client with a certain size of wallet, not because I'm more interested in them or a better match with my skills.
But because they are able to pay my rent for an apartment with three extra rooms I don't use.