It is not so trite as to say that all things can be made better by only focusing on 'giving me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change'.
It is about focusing more on what can be changed, and realizing this is actually a lot - inside.
What can redeem all of this is if I can put that insight and sense of humility to good use, for myself or others, in the future, and thus leave something of deep value behind.
What will destroy everything that is left is if I allow this sense of being humbled to overwhelm me in despair, shame, self-recrimination, thrown back and forth between these emotions like a ping-pong ball mind.
So I have to choose.
How the hell can you gain anything by not focusing on it?
How the hell can you make something real for you that you badly want by constantly criticizing yourself for not having it?
How can you arrive at a place without setting a course?
We felt bereft of the birth we had imagined and ashamed that we couldn't just concentrate on the joy of our son 100 percent and all kinds of confusion and ... trauma I guess. It was all muddled up.
But by making the decision that this was not the full story, even though I didn't know how this chapter of my life would be meaningful in the future, I managed to created my first strand of hope.
A few days ago, I found myself doing the dishes and then going back and forth to my email to see if anyone had written anything "vital" to me (a definition I've deliberately left open - but it's to do with emergencies at work or in the family, mostly).
Thus, I found myself checking email maybe 5 times during an hour to see if anything "vital" had come up which could ... divert my attention, I suppose.
The piss filling up and warming my pants this cold spring sure feels nice and warm.
But fine so.
Awareness of a behavior you want to change is the first step to that change.
I still use woefully little of my mental capacity to actually drive towards the goals that mean something to me. I still use precious little willpower to keep my mind on track more of the time.
A lot of the time, and despite my attempts in previous months to detox, I still fall back into just 'zoning out', letting all sorts of junk into my mind. If it doesn't happen by itself, it happens because I let it - i.e. by returning to random internet surfing and the like.
Becoming parents - in a little while - will only make this situation more dire. I will be tempted in the extreme to zone out and sometimes I will have to, just to stay afloat.
But I can't allow this to go on at least without improving. Then you are allowed to call me a monk.
Our son should have been born today, at least according to the doctors' predictions. He wasn't.
Not a world-shattering problem, but I must admit the waiting time is getting to us. So we tried to make the best of it and went out into the sun.