March 7, 2018Is that really it? Right now I think it is. And it is okay.
January 20, 2018"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible; to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance, to live so that which came to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." - Dawna Markova
January 15, 2018"We spend our lives, all of us, waiting for the great day, the great battle, or the deed of power. But that external consummation is not given to many: nor is it necessary. So long as our being is tensed, directed with passion, towards that which is the spirit of all things, then that spirit will emerge from our own hidden, nameless effort." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
December 23, 2017What it is that we can come closer to that makes life stronger, despite the outward signs that it becomes frailer and closer to an ending? What is it that makes life worth living for, even more? I have an ex-friend who has now more or less walled himself in. He sits in his apartment all day long. He is a pensioner. He has the occasional cancer-scare, too. He has some reasons, yes, but overall it has, I will argue, been his own choice to give up and just wall himself in and not reach out for any other life qualities than safety. Which he can never completely have? How safe is it sitting and watching TV and waiting not to get cancer? Maybe he won't get it, but in terms of having a good life experience I think my mother is better at finding that path that makes her life feel stronger, despite all the shadows that chase it.
December 7, 2017We can only wait and see, but the important thing to me is that even though I feel personally (and I would never argue this to my mother) that it had been best to let it go without chemo, since this is her choice (as it should be) there may be an important gain here. There may be a blessing in disguise here. Something that we can call out, if we want to, and if she doesn't get to ill and too obsessed with being ill from chemo and what to do for daily relief. And I'm putting a big parenthesis around the fact that we may - may - have bought her x number of more years to live. We will never know that. But if cancer ever resurfaces she will be more ready, I believe. She will also, importantly, know she has done what she could. The opposite side of that coin is to feel cursed, of course. But avoiding a guilt trip if your life is threatened again, that is more important now. As is finding a place for this ghost in our souls. I believe the path my mother has chosen now can be useful to find that place. It may lead to even more and more blessed places I cannot yet imagine. But first we have to deal with the everyday illness and insecurity and Christmas and all the practicalities that arise from poisoning your cells in order to achieve a result worth the pain. And so we will.
November 20, 2017if there is one way to truly make a difference - over time - today it is on the Internet where 17 year old fashion bloggers attract 17 million followers easily. So you can get attention, you can share something widely, and - over time - you can make a difference in people's lives. I may only be able to reach a few thousand people over the years, in a way that really matters, and many more in more superfluous ways, but I do believe this is the best way - to blog. And blog to share. Experiences.
October 19, 2017But that Big Project - like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow - is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital - financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don't feel like that any longer. As I've already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong. And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I've chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done. But maybe I don't need to. Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.
September 24, 2017What I write will - I hope - inspire readers to identify and see more of is good, meaningful, connected in their own lives. And see practical ways of solving problems and challenges in the mess of everyday life, even if it is nothing fancy like the Huge Personal Development Change Course. It is my belief that such a lift will also give readers - you - more surplus to do something else for others, whatever you feel is right for you to do. And if that happens, lots can be achieved.
September 18, 2017Maybe I should just accept that - for whatever reason - the negative self-critic is still part of me. The part that says I have not achieved enough earning money or being famous. And then leave it at that and make my best efforts to move on and realize some of the purpose, like The Blog, or that charity project. Purpose that I know to be real and good for me, no discussion. Once that realization is bigger and fills out much of the current vacuum then the voice should have less power. So perhaps the voice addresses a true need after all. For I feel I am not doing enough to promote The Blog (as mentioned earlier) and I feel that is a problem. I also miss doing something real for charity again, and preferably with Char. Or at least have some definite goal or vision for that part of our lives, instead of just focusing - as is difficult not to - on the daily problems and challenges, esp. with an infant son and irregular income. So perhaps the voice is calling my attention to a true need, but it does so in the wrong way. It fills the actual vacuum of my life right now with calls to do something that is superficial.
September 1, 2017It is logical to dream. More than that. It is necessary. In some ways as necessary as eating or breathing. I know these are big words, but just think: What is your life worth if you constantly restrain yourself from dreaming 'too much' - imagining the good stuff you want to experience, to have, to think, to realize? What's it worth? Your life becomes mediocre - no, worse: A shell. Don't go that way. Turn right now - and start dreaming more.