602. Two Minds

Jay is visiting grandma with Char and is having trouble sleeping. It’s heatwave time. He doesn’t like that.

It’s a strange house and a different bed. And so on.

I have trouble sleeping, but I suppose for different reasons.

I stay here in the City and work and do the house and do a few things, like drawing. In fact, I do a lot on the ‘house’ – a lot of repair work and washing that we don’t have time for when Jay is here. Or rarely.

And even so I feel a bit guilty not being down there and being able to relieve Char when she has not slept, because Jay has not slept.

I suppose grandma, and other visiting family, can do a bit here, but even so … 

It is a strange feeling … Not sure if it is worry about Jay, who – as said – is really having trouble adjusting to the heat.

Or if it is a feeling of obligation to share the burdens with Char, which somehow is still there even though I certainly do my part at home, at this moment.

Not sure about any of that, really.

But it is a relatively mild problem, and they will soon be home and everything will be back to its chaotic normal. And with 0.5 percent time again for chores like the ones I am doing now. And work. And a lot of other things.

So maybe I should just try to … appreciate the experience. Not in a lala-way. But just try to set my mind in two places at once, instead of just on the worry and faint guilt.

Stay in that damn feeling and feel all of it, including that which is worth appreciating:

Like the fact that I do miss my son even though he is taking every bit of time from me and then some. 

And that I want to help Char take care of him, on as equal terms as possible in this day and age.

Aren’t those worthwhile feelings? Too?

Share

601. The Map

When I grow old(er) I’d like to look back to my childhood and NOT feel:

‘OMG – so much time has passed! – Where did it all go?!’

And then have a slight sense of dread … and then quickly do something else, to avoid thinking more about this, slightly painful awareness of the passing of time.

I would like to feel like THIS:

‘Yes, that was a long time ago. Many, many things have happened then and in the years since. Deep and important things, sometimes less so, but all valuable experiences on my life-journey which has now left a long trail on a big and colorful map. So I will sit here for awhile and delve on some of those experiences, even the painful ones, and try to see the beauty of it all’.

Yeah, I’d like that second feeling. But before I can have it, I also have to make sure there are less days and hours where I just escape into some oblivion of TV or social media or chatter or buying more sugar-stuff or any of the other escapes.

Because if I continue with those there will truly not be much of a map to look at … 

Share

535. Only That

Fear does not create what I want.

Regret does not create what I want.

Backtalk does not create what I want.

Endless self-analysis does not create what I want.

Anger does not create what I want.

Shame does not create what I want.

Only creating what I want creates what I want.

And thinking it.

And saying it.

Only that.

Share

260. Show It

Wrote to all the attendants at Jay’s baptism and thanked them individually for their presents and presence. It took all day, but they earned it.

Not many days and social gatherings you can say that about, so when one shows up, it’s important to appreciate just that – and show it.

Share

250. The Two Sides

This Saturday I had not problem being preoccupied by “Society” for I was never a moment alone, cleaning, preparing, working a bit, helping look after Jay. But one of the beautiful parts of it was of course that my brother and sister-in-law and my mother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law all turned up to help us make the place ready which we had rented for the party after the baptism. So there was both the feeling that I wanted to be alone and get away from people and the feeling that I was full of joy because I experienced the best sides of people – what they can do for you when you need them.

Share

243. Grateful Gruesomeness

I assume Alexander Selkirk kept the lambs in some kind of fold, and that the point was that even in that confined space he did not have to struggle too much to get at one of them and kill it, because they were handicapped so to speak – because he had broken their legs. Gruesome in one manner, if you can forget our own slaughter-houses for a moment. But on the other hand understandable, if you get a tropical fever and barely can get up, and you have dehydrated and shit all over the dried leaves that make out your bed.

There is a strange fascination and yet revulsion with this little bit of story, but at the heart of it is a lesson, about what life is if you take away any kind of help from the outside.

There’s the story, then. Which makes me feel revolted and grateful at the same time. I guess I should remember the gratefulness the most.

Share

220. Moving On Despite

We do have to accept the difficult birth of Jay and move on. And to some degree we already have. 

We both know it is necessary. We just have some pain left that is difficult to keep inside or find a place for. Some painful memories. 

We have to accept those, not feel ashamed.

The question is how? Will a dream that may or may not have been precognitive about the experience help? Will it help if I tell Char about it? Will she even believe it?

I don’t know.

I just know I have to get on with my work today, and then later with caring for Jay. That is what is necessary right now. I will have to let this go. That is the right thing. For now.

And then return to it later. For a while. Try to learn to keep it in me a bit more or maybe find a better place for it. 

That is also the right thing.

Share

214. To Deliver or Not To Deliver

In a way it is refreshing – working the world of private business. Not like university where you could get away with writing something clever but which ultimately didn’t help someone. Or a relationship where you can appeal to someone’s sympathy.

Here it is just that: Deliver results and get something. Don’t deliver – don’t get anything.

It is hard, but should it really be any different?

Share

165. Quality Zoom

As I grew older I saw that even the most opinionated different-valued family member usually wanted to contribute. Sometimes it’s a loan, sometimes it’s looking after children, sometimes it is helping to fix something in the house, etc. Usually they do this because they are family. In most cases this is what it is like in all families.

There is a will to contribute. You just need to need the help, to ask for it, and, of course, to want to receive and appreciate this quality from your family and put aside your other opinions for a moment.

Share

159. Reaching the Goal, Starting the Journey

We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it – Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match.

Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something …

But it takes time to find that something. As it should.

Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents.

And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.

Share

156. What Matters

But here’s the thing: whomever stole this CD from the mail had at least the decency to glue the envelope together again so I got the personal letter from my friend, which accompanied the CD.

My friendship with MRN and LR, my memories of our times together, my appreciation of the music of LR – none of that has been damaged by this theft. It just made me angry for a brief moment.
But I like to think that whomever did this put the envelope back in circulation, because he or she had a sense of that friendship, too, because they couldn’t avoid seeing there was a personal letter attached. And that was something this petty thief could not make him or herself disrespect.

Maybe it is my imagination, maybe it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I found that focus, after being angry at first.

Share