Tomorrow it’ll be Jay’s 1st birthday and thus almost a year ago that we had a really hard experience getting him here.
But I am heartened that despite the lingering pain of that memory, everyday new wonderful memories are added in the other stack – of his life, what it is, what it can be, what it will be.
I guess that is called healing.
Maybe it is the wrong choice but if there is one thing I have learnt it is that it is important to husband your resources. There are only so much crisis you can deal with at the time, or trauma healing, or difficult emotions. Sometimes you have to let the days and time heal as well. And the concern for others.
We are not unable to function, that was never the case. But we are hurt. And no matter how much or how little others have been hurt compared to us, and no matter that we are beyond grateful for the result of that experience, we have to acknowledge that it was just that – something that hurt us.
And we have to heal. And take time to do it.
Sometimes you have to insist of a certain treatment in the medical system, not just bow to authority. They will often bow to you, then.
I briefly wondered what would have happened if the midwife had not discovered that she had set the wrong date for medically induced labor to begin with. I even asked about it but she said it was fine and I figured I must’ve gotten something wrong about that ‘only a week past the term’. Maybe they calculated it differently than I thought?
In any case, it’s only a few days and a few percentage points of extra risk that were at stake, so I have let it go. I still try to keep affirming that things are going to go ‘right’, so here’s the chance again.
And I take it.