But I have given it a lot of thought, and as I wrote the other day – there really is no choice with regard to creativity either. I have to follow what I feel, first and foremost.
If I don’t work for someone else and if this is not to be my first source of income – or more specifically: It it cannot be that.
Then I just do my best and maybe I will never succeed in finishing something, not even that – because I, for some reason, cannot get the right mix of self-knowledge and adaptation to circumstances … can’t get that right.
I may move closer to a core of truth, like: I really want to do a scifi comic again – and finish it.
But I will never reach that truth before I die. And never finish anything.
That is theoretically possible, absurd as it may sound.
And so what?
… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.
But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.
You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.
there is so much balancing to be done, it feels more often than not like an impossible task. But I should be able to get better at it, at least, if never perfect.
That much I have to believe, and believe it in my heart and soul. Otherwise, what is the point of even trying?
I hope I am just a bitter old fanatic left-wing academic has-been who has no clue. I hope the obsessive media coverage of terror will not have the slightest effect on deranged peoples’ choice to use terror.