As I get older I find that I still struggle with fears, perhaps more so than before – fears that come out of nowhere.
But, I suppose, founded in reality. Or potential reality.
Fear of growing old, dying suddenly, getting ill, becoming handicapped, losing Char or Jay like that, etc.
Those and other fears.… Read more
Tried to work in the usual choppy time-blocks, but the library close by was haunted by another bunch of workers who made noise and with the pace I am bleeding credit, there is no way I can afford my own office yet.
No need to repeat that.
Nor that I went home to help with our ludicrous amounts of laundry, mid-afternoon.… Read more
A quieter day where I tried not to work, as promised to Char, and then kept looking for opportunities to do something anyway. Originally I reckoned that I would blog, but I ended up redoing my landing page at my business website in the 1.5 hours or thereabouts I did get of spare time throughout the day.… Read more
My dad called me to update me on my mother’s chemo and that they had been to a meeting with the doctors and still were undecided. I was helping Char feed Jay and pondering how to fit new clients in today’s family-schedule, so it kind of caught me off guard and I felt down afterwards.… Read more
Brunched with a good friend today, FS, who told me that his son had been ill for 3 years with bad kidneys when he was an infant. We were talking about our kids, so the topic came up naturally, but it made me think, in a good way, about how fortunate we are that we ‘only’ have to deal, so far, with Char’s relatively superficial health problems (her hand).… Read more
My mother’s breast cancer operation went well, all things considered and she was home from the hospital the same evening. She sounded relatively good on the phone, although the uncertainty about the future feels as vulnerable as the part of her body where they cut her.
At least when I think of it.… Read more
Tomorrow is my mother’s (2nd) breast cancer operation (it got moved one day), but I find myself feeling strangely like it is taking place in another timeline.
Is it because, so far, indications are she will be okay and it is a best-case scenario after all – even if they remove her remaining breast?… Read more
Reality set in today (for the nth time) as I tried to eke out work-hours while Char was away with Jay from the house, for as long as she could do it with her tenosynovitis and morale keeping up with autumn mist-rain.
I got about 4 hours, not all of them good.… Read more
My mom called today and said she is going to have surgery in 10 days to remove her remaining breast. It seems like the cancer-tumor is local.
She is exhausted as are the rest of us, but given the situation’s severity this is by far the best outcome.
I had thought I would still be relatively anxious afterwards and think about what if they discover cancer-cells in the lymphatic system during the operation (a standard test)?… Read more
It has dawned on me that even in a best-case scenario on Friday, nothing is really definitively ‘resolved’ as regards my mother’s new cancer.
Best case is that the tumor is local and that they can take it out of the breast without further ado, maybe by injecting chemo.
But what then?… Read more
There is also the part of cleaning the soul up and I realize this is what I have done, just for a little bit but with results.
I did it by stopping doing the dishes and making the beds and instead diving into quotes from one of my favorite authors – John O’Donohue – for about an hour, looking for them and reading and reflecting.… Read more
Nothing much happened these dates anyway, except an awful lot of stressing around doing baby-work, house-work, family, and … work.
Whenever something stressful happens in my family or to myself I’ve had a lot of joy out of reading John O’Donohue; joy and strength and wisdom, all bundled. I got his first book – Anam Cara – as a gift from a man I had barely met, right in 2005 some weeks after I had been hospitalized with rampant anxiety.… Read more
Was told today that the father of my best friend, MRN, has cancer.
MRN did not tell it to me yet, but I know he will, because we will talk sooner rather than later. (Tomorrow is his birthday.)
I thought a lot about how to handle that and how to support MRN the best.… Read more
I have been thinking about what to do for M, whose mother is – as always – very ill.
Never getting better, as he said the other day, with exhaustion tinging every part of his voice.
I had been thinking about some recommended books to send him. About how to get through it all.… Read more