And taking that step forward anyway and following the path I have now set out … that is a very practical experience of true faith.
You don’t need to be religious to experience it.
You just need to find the courage to trust yourself and in your capability to adapt and create value in life, regardless of all the uncertainty.
To once again remind myself that if I find myself in such a situation the best solution is not to try to sit down and analyse what is most important and then use 1 hour to do that and then have one hour left to do it.
The best course is just to choose.
And do it.
And choose something I know will give me positive energy.
So there it is once again. It’s Joan of Arc.
But it could have been other things.
What is it for you?
Like I wrote the other day:
… I am still only doing Hammer and Magic – art and illustration bits – in my spare-time when I need to relax. I am going to be deliberately and hopelessly “unprofessional” about how I work on this project, because I know from experience that … nothing else works, if I want to stay motivated under the circumstances of my life.
And I am very clear about that.
I am still only doing Hammer and Magic – art and illustration bits – in my spare-time when I need to relax. I am going to be deliberately and hopelessly “unprofessional” about how I work on this project, because I know from experience that … nothing else works, if I want to stay motivated under the circumstances of my life.
If I can make a buck from some income stream or other attached to the site where the story and other things reside – then fine. If not the project will have served its purpose anyway, namely to give me energy when I need it. And give me the opportunity to express that desire to do epic storytelling (and illustrate it a little) that apparently I cannot escape (nor do I want to).
I won’t rule out ever publishing on Amazon again, but my desire just for control alone seems a far cry away from the raw deals The Company is offering authors these days. And I don’t think it will help to just sit down and hope they will treat authors better in the years to come.
I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.
Whatever choice my mother makes there will always be uncertainty for me, and probably for the rest of us as well. Chemo won’t kill that. The chances of her surviving until 80 or 75 or 85 aren’t really as important – really – as the quality of time that we spend together and the quality of time she makes for herself until she needs to leave this dimension … It is a choice of how to live best that does not really require an answer to how long we will live or whether or not my mother decides to have chemo or not.
It is a choice about how to empower and uplift and improve relations. And that is always something that should be in focus, although sadly it rarely is until the demand is great.
But I feel empowered even so. I feel encouraged thinking about all the things I can do to share some beauty and joy and power, no matter what turn events take.
Apparently, once you make the decision to have faith and to set a certain course, it doesn’t feel all that difficult. It is the wavering that is difficult. The place where you are but you have not decided to stay. Or to go.
But right now, no matter the idealism, it just doesn’t seem tenable to stand up and say: ‘Now I will really prioritize Creative Project A so I can show what I am made of and do this before I die’.
No, now is the time to be patient and chip away at this bit by bit and then plan for the future. If that is the wrong choice, so be it, and it is certainly a difficult choice. But I see no other way.
Just another day in parent-land, but fortunately that is also a land with many other green pastures.
Sometimes it is good to sum up your strengths before you head back into the ring. In fact, it is always good. Also in the breaks.
But sometimes you have to go on an intuition, if you feel it strong enough. Even if there are many unanswered questions and will be for some time.
There are some wise words, if I recall – about economic decisions: They should only be made rationally. With your head, not your heart.
That also goes for the decisions to prioritize other things, which cause you to forego earning money.
One practical consequence of being called up and told your mother probably has cancer is to see things that seemed awfully important awhile ago … aren’t.
Also important to try to tear each others’ heads off, after lack of sleep …
But not so now.
Just getting up, getting out the door, going to the Royal Library, doing the best I could with my time there, but still taking care of urgent tasks that I felt could not be ignored for all sorts of reasons. Some of the good, some less good.
That’s a bit muddled, but it’s life I guess.
Not perfect, but keeping the right course.
No sense to sell out my sense of calm in the present and stress and try various ill-thought through activities to ‘insure’ I will earn more, in the future.
No sense at all.
Except follow a plan I already have about what to do, when to do it, and be calm when I don’t have the time to do it, because of babies, dishes and other life-things.
But I did it fine. Today.