I wish I could explain it better than a mere decision, but there it is. It is, however, a decision matured. It has matured for a long time and it has to do with a realization of the futility of trying to sell out your present to insure your happiness in the future, so to speak. Just as profound as the realization I had in 2006 which cured me of the deep and devastating anxiety that had gotten me into hospital: If I could never get better there was no point in hating and berating myself for certain thought and other matters, only in trying to make as much good time as possible to enjoy - during the minutes and hours I was not suffering. Deep realizations followed up by definitive, all-encompassing action. So I guess I have explained it better now, right? Perhaps. But have I explained it enough for someone else to realize what they have to do to copy it? Probably not in most cases. Besides, it is a state of mind that comes about not as a result of reading but as a result of experiencing, for a long time. Then a desire for change is cultivated in the soul. But if I can aid that change, however little, I shall be satisfied.
Maybe this is the time to find those two great powers within: Faith and patience.
Now I just have to execute. But perhaps half the battle is won by coming to a clear decision first.
I'm sick of thinking about this particular aspect of my life in that way: 'I lack'. It would be prudent of me to train myself to think - without deluding myself - of this aspect of life in new ways. Especially if I never solve it.
I suppose that's an interesting thought: What if the key is here to learn to tolerate more of my clients' complaints? And do things in a pace that will keep me sane and then see if he actually puts his money where his mouth is? And that place would be with someone who is cheaper, better, more reliable than me, about whom he has to complain so much to get an honest day's work done, right? Interesting thought. And perhaps a worthwhile thought for an entrepreneur. Especially worthwhile if I can honestly say that I am doing my best and that 75 percent of the delays and problems come from my clients' bad habits, bad planning, lack of knowledge, and lack of will to pay a realistic number of hours. Maybe the truth is only 50 percent. But why should I take those 50 percent on my shoulders and stress to do better and better, more and more, for less and less pay? I think I can afford to err a little bit on the other side here.
This is one of my list posts - with actionable advice on a given topic.
Perhaps I just had to find the courage to choose Something, not wait for the right choice to show up? Yeah, that's it. The courage mobilization vaporized enough of the fear. Then I could see more of what I really felt. And actually make a decision that - lo and behold - maybe close to what I need to do to feel Okay. Strange. But worth remembering. Because Big Doubt will happen again. But so will courage.
I also have to decide very clearly, what is my definition of a deal-breaker with regard to a difficult client. Even if it hurts financially. Even if it is frightening. But if you don't know exactly what it is that will make you stop and take a new, in the short term more frightening course, like quitting a job or a big client, then you become even more frightened. The courage to make that decision - and later stand by it, making it real - that is an act. Courage is action. And deciding what my deal-breaker is with regard to this particular client is an action. An important action. And once that decision is made, no going back, then the fear of actually carrying it out is lessened.
Wanting to be seen more than anything is the worst motivation to create art. The worst of all. It can and will destroy you. And your art. Whichever comes first.
Acting on the fear, putting something in motion, even if you don’t solve the fear … that probably has a positive effect. I’ve felt so on my own a number of times. Like when I make myself feel more mentally calm and ‘on course’, by just doing the dishes. Not frenzied action to escape unpleasant feelings. Orderly calm action with purpose, even if it doesn’t change anything right away or is substantially relevant to the feelings at hand. Doing all the dishes doesn’t solve my unemployment problem, but it makes me feel that maybe I have what it takes to solve it myself. Even if that is only proved, when it is proved.
Either I continue to do nothing and only look for a job and then wait until some unspecified future to start for real on my enterprise. Or I go through more red tape, add more work to my life and overall add exstra risk. The latter sounds a lot like the life of an entrepreneur to me.