And taking that step forward anyway and following the path I have now set out … that is a very practical experience of true faith.
You don’t need to be religious to experience it.
You just need to find the courage to trust yourself and in your capability to adapt and create value in life, regardless of all the uncertainty.
I spend at least 2-3 hours per day cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking and doing dishes, and I can spend those hours better. Like trying to make more money than we pay the cleaning lady.
So I just have to do that.
And be patient until I can do that, because cleaning lady or not, I still have to get up at night and carry Jay to Char so he can get his food – and many times during day, changing diapers, everything. We can’t hire us out of that as long as Char’s hand is damaged.
We can only wait and remain calm and have faith that we have enough money – and help from our families – to do this, without too much cost.
So that is what we do.
I will leave you with the image even so:
Joan of Arc cursing her fate in a dark prison cell, crying, praying or even bargaining – to avoid it all. To go back to normal.
To … somewhere that is not where she is.
I will leave you with that and ask you:
Is she still beautiful?
The answer will decide much for you and how you will live with – or eventually escape – your own prisons.
It has for me.
If I should believe in a more advanced version of this cosmology I just outlined – walk the talk – I would have to have faith that when the time is right people would begin to remember, just as I believe I have done.
This remembrance could take the form of an experience – say, of being helped when praying in whatever manner feels right for the individual.
It will come when the time is right because we all connected to a power – a wholeness – some call it “God” – which drives us towards this point, but also allows us to remain in ignorance as long as it fulfills an overall purpose of ‘recharging’ our mental batteries; providing enough contrast of experience so we can exist on in more boundless dimensions for a good chunk more of eternity – once again.
That is the kind of perspective I guess I have to keep, although it is not satisfactory in and of itself. I would like to help those who are ready to open themselves to the Bigger Perspective. I would like to recognize those fellow humans better.
So I can act, perhaps on an inspiration, and give them what they need. Not to believe in a specific religion but to gain more hope and well-being, like I described above, and then some pointers for setting out and finding their own answers.
Answers which can be experienced and have practical relevance in people’s lives … they must not just be answers that are purely abstract and cannot be tested or experienced.
We have had enough of these from established religions.
Maybe this is the time to find those two great powers within:
Faith and patience.
So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before – that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
I want to focus on our story now and the ways we try to have faith that this, for us, very new and demanding situation – like so many others – ultimately will have some kind of good outcome. Meaning we can feel. Benefit we can use. The experience of help from unexpected sides. Deeper insights revealed. All of the power and beauty of life which is just beneath the surface of seemingly random and dangerous currents.
And I know at least one very good outcome that will outweigh a lot of bumps on the road, this weekend and in the years to come.
And he is our son.
I know I’m counterproductive if I intend to have more faith on the spiritual level and then with the other part of my mind go out on a frenzy to find new clients to be ready for me – after my self-imposed leave to help this family start up.
I have to act intelligently, of course, in all business and economy matters. I’m not going out to buy a Mercedes right now. Fine.
But aside from that: I’ll really try and make every intention in my mind go in the same direction.
I know – deep deep down – that it is wrong, to try to affirm faith in something as personal and powerful as a childbirth and that it will go well and then at the same time fret about money.
Either you affirm that overall all things will turn out well, and that you believe in this, no matter the bumps. Or you don’t.
Faith is indivisible.
There should only be room for so much in my mind right now, like my son. And so, I have to force myself to have faith, in a number of things, even if I’m not very good at it.
But maybe that’s the whole point of this particular experience, in a number of ways.
At the very least, I’ll have to get an absolutely clear understanding of what and how much I need when it comes to money, passion and purpose. That I don’t feel I have now.
There can be no more vagueness, or just waiting around for these things to become crystal clear.
And when they have, that is half the battle won.
I don’t believe I can get a guarantee that everything will ‘go well’.
But that’s not what I’m looking for.
I guess I’m looking for the feeling of energy and courage that I have sometimes gotten in difficult situations, and feeling that it came from somewhere … ‘beyond me’.
When I asked for it. Or just when I needed it.
That at least I can have faith in.
It’s like the breathing exercises my girlfriend has learnt to better manage the pain.
They can’t stop it, but they can make pain easier. If you open yourself to the possibility that it can happen.
That you can do it. That there is help.
Anything but curling up in a ball and pretending to be all alone when the sh… hits the fan.
Curling up, like a fetal position …
But while that version of the fetal position signals fear, there is also another version.
That of birth.
Two people, out of the blue, approached me and gave me hope there was a demand for my services in my planned company, after I had struggled with myself about this issue for many hours and come to a decision:
I felt like despair but decided to affirm that I would get help eventually. Was this coincidence? I think not, but does it matter, if it works? Even if these people had not ‘popped up’ as quickly as they did after I made this decision to nurture faith and not despair, it would at least be a mindset that had given me a better, calmer place inside from which to fight – to make what I wanted real.