there is so much balancing to be done, it feels more often than not like an impossible task. But I should be able to get better at it, at least, if never perfect.
That much I have to believe, and believe it in my heart and soul. Otherwise, what is the point of even trying?
Alone one whole evening with Jay for the first time and it went rather badly. He wouldn’t take the bottle, or even a small glass of milk from Char. Not without screaming his lungs out.
I stopped after a while and just let him sleep in the carriage until Char came home. I felt pretty bad about it, except of course that I stopped in time, when I realized it did not work. That I did have that much sense, after trying for several hours.
Sometimes even small victories has to count.
So does that mean I can say that I am now relieved after the birth-experience, able to feel we are helped to heal and even to see a meaning in what happened?
No. Not yet.
I can only keep affirming what I did before – that I have faith that we will be helped to heal and to find meaning, our meaning, in what happened.
And then report the results as they come in.
If you think about it, that is not such a bad deal when it comes to faith.
And it certainly is a test of faith.
But I suppose that is good and right. How else can we experience faith if it is not tested?
I know I’m counterproductive if I intend to have more faith on the spiritual level and then with the other part of my mind go out on a frenzy to find new clients to be ready for me – after my self-imposed leave to help this family start up.
I have to act intelligently, of course, in all business and economy matters. I’m not going out to buy a Mercedes right now. Fine.
But aside from that: I’ll really try and make every intention in my mind go in the same direction.
I know – deep deep down – that it is wrong, to try to affirm faith in something as personal and powerful as a childbirth and that it will go well and then at the same time fret about money.
Either you affirm that overall all things will turn out well, and that you believe in this, no matter the bumps. Or you don’t.
Faith is indivisible.
I’m not particularly anxious anymore, except in flashes, about how it’s all going to go down, at the birth and 18 years+ afterwards.
Not exactly sure why, but perhaps it’s because we’ve been thinking about this 24/7 for many months now, so I at least – but Char, too, I think – have become kind of used to this state of worry and expectation. So even though we still worry, and still expect, the feelings don’t seem nearly as overwhelming now as they were some months ago. It’s become kind of every-day, this new existence of ours, as parents.
And that, I suppose, is exactly as it should be.
There should only be room for so much in my mind right now, like my son. And so, I have to force myself to have faith, in a number of things, even if I’m not very good at it.
But maybe that’s the whole point of this particular experience, in a number of ways.
So many other parents made it before us. That’s worth remembering.
So the list is long – of things we can still do to get ready to make the birth as little as an ordeal as possible, to the degree we believe it is possible to control pain and anxiety of an even that is as natural and old and beyond human control as anything. To get ready for that, and for the many strange and extraordinary things we’re going to have to deal with as newly minted not-quite-so-spry parents.
But sometimes … like tonight I find myself thinking that it’s okay to have a little faith and not be obsessive about all that, and just relax and watch a movie.
It’s one of the nice things about middle-age. About age in general – if it hasn’t killed you.
You can be the rock for someone else. In so many ways …
Who are you a rock for?
I do wish I could just run from it all, but I suppose that is the most natural feeling in the world.
But feeling peace starts with me doing something, no matter the approach I take to the act of creating peace.
And when did anyone ever feel more at peace by the act of running away?
Start by ordering that part of the outer world which you can, like cleaning your room. Then connect with the energy that you get from that feeling of having made order – so as to be better able to order your inner world next.