As I get older I find that I still struggle with fears, perhaps more so than before – fears that come out of nowhere.
But, I suppose, founded in reality. Or potential reality.
Fear of growing old, dying suddenly, getting ill, becoming handicapped, losing Char or Jay like that, etc.
Those and other fears.… Read more
Alone home, so I took the time to make a cover for Hammer & Magic. Propaganda-poster-like-ish. The best I could do with a few hours and half a bottle of white wine.
You know the real best here is that I don’t feel stressed about this any longer. I do one bit every day on The Blog, which may or may not be a creative project-related thing.… Read more
After feeling emotionally in a hole these past days, there is a renewed sense of … some strength. I have had this feeling before that I should not take anything for granted about what is going to happen now.
Like I wrote:
Don’t take anything for granted.
Don’t take for granted that this is the time for my mother to die, and it’s going to be very sad and painful, and everything is going to fall apart.
… Read more
Called to check on my mother, and she sounded … happy.
Despite the new cancer-threat.
Or at least … in “good spirits”, as they say.
Not denying reality, but not sounding like it’s about to break either.
I believe that despite her frailty in some situations, my mother has gotten a lot stronger over the years.… Read more
There is also the part of cleaning the soul up and I realize this is what I have done, just for a little bit but with results.
I did it by stopping doing the dishes and making the beds and instead diving into quotes from one of my favorite authors – John O’Donohue – for about an hour, looking for them and reading and reflecting.… Read more
First test of will and decision about not to worry, since today I was doing my accounting. (And didn’t finish.)
So I am not sure about my economy in detail and even if I was I would not be sure about my income. Such is the life, now, of a self-employed person: Me.… Read more
Sleep poorly these days, feel there’s too much work and then of course preparing the baptism and keeping up with Jay every day. It’s not awfully bad but it’s not particularly good either.
Maybe I am affected by something not entirely of my own making, sometimes I do feel like a certain negative ‘energy’ latches on to me from people or places.… Read more
Just re-read 159 about Jay’s birth by Cesarean and how bad we felt about it, and I wonder what has changed here on his 2-month birthday.
The answer is ‘a lot’ and ‘not a lot’.
It still makes me feel bad to think about it. I still feel we were robbed of something beautiful, even if what happened was the right thing and the most important thing – Jay got out alive and well.… Read more
I mean, being so much more constricted as I am, with regard to time and energy, due to having to look after Jay and the home front and earn money from my own company and dealing with all kinds of difficult customers (or lack of them in the process) … Yadayadayada.… Read more
Today I was supposed for the first time to go back to my own office space and rake in more customers to my web consultant business. I was supposed to start, after 3 weeks of leave due to the birth of Jay, to plug the whole in my credit account.
But instead I went to my office space and did a lot of thinking.… Read more
This post is written Thursday 18 about a night we will always remember: Jay was born after 12-ish hours of labor, medically induced because Char is 41 and the doctors say it will lessen risk of anything wrong not to go past her term more than one week.
Well, they were wrong.… Read more
Went to the family, down south, with Char and her grandma. It was mum-in-law’s birthday and a good excuse to go, although the trip is long and I get to drive every time.
Thought about life and death, and clients, and dreams, and Jay, and whether or not life would bring Good – or more of it – in the unknown future.… Read more
Today I tried to put up some of the last shelves but discovered we hadn’t the right screws in our motley collection. Whatever. The whole 2-roomer was a mess again, so that was just one little drop.
Another came when I took down the old shelf-system, which is to be replaced by the new big cupboard for grown-up and baby-clothes.… Read more
I woke feeling like somebody has stolen my energy, irritated and anxious.
But it helped that I got right off building the new ‘office’ in room 2 and then completed a task for a new (steady) customer. I can’t remember if I wrote earlier that I got all the various approvals, registrations and rubber stamps for my company after much soul-searching.… Read more