178. How I Sabotage Myself From Earning Money

I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.

I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.

I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see – deep deep down – that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.

I have saved no one, not even myself.

If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.

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159. Reaching the Goal, Starting the Journey

We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it – Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match.

Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something …

But it takes time to find that something. As it should.

Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents.

And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.

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111. Having My Cake

Went to the family, down south, with Char and her grandma. It was mum-in-law’s birthday and a good excuse to go, although the trip is long and I get to drive every time.

Thought about life and death, and clients, and dreams, and Jay, and whether or not life would bring Good – or more of it – in the unknown future.

But I also got some nice cake that my grandma-in-law had made with all her skills.

I take it as a good side-effect of getting older that despite my thoughts still rampaging in their own ways, I am more and more able to let them, while I have my cake.

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73. Positions

I don’t believe I can get a guarantee that everything will ‘go well’.

But that’s not what I’m looking for.

I guess I’m looking for the feeling of energy and courage that I have sometimes gotten in difficult situations, and feeling that it came from somewhere … ‘beyond me’.

When I asked for it. Or just when I needed it.

That at least I can have faith in.

It’s like the breathing exercises my girlfriend has learnt to better manage the pain.

They can’t stop it, but they can make pain easier. If you open yourself to the possibility that it can happen.

That you can do it. That there is help.

Anything but curling up in a ball and pretending to be all alone when the sh… hits the fan.

Curling up, like a fetal position …

But while that version of the fetal position signals fear, there is also another version.
That of birth.

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65. Life – Thing or Journey?

I could try to say to myself every morning I get up:

“What shall I do on this day in my life-journey?” (Or just: “On this day of the journey?”)

By doing so I train myself to see my life as a journey.

And for me a journey has always been something positive.

It has a goal. A meaning. Even if a lot of terrible stuff happens along the way and you get stuck for 3 days in an airport somewhere

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