569. Wonder Like It’s 1999

I went to a therapist in 1999, when I first started experiencing depression. She told me I should get up each morning and draw for 25 minutes.

Get up early and draw before anything else.

She told me that – and other things.

I tried to do this for a while and failed at it. And things got a lot worse.

Not necessarily because of me stopping the drawing-routine, but I have always wondered.

Now, recently I started drawing again in the morning. I have an idea for (another) graphic novel …

But the point is that I feel really, really good about this routine.

And it wasn’t so difficult – the first week at least.

And now I can see results!

So I will go on. And see more results.

And feel more good.

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564. It Is Useful

… to remember that when you feel despair about something, then it can stop that feeling long enough for you to take constructive action, if you ask yourself a question:

‘Does this help me change the situation I despair about  – that I continue feeling despair?’

(Hint: The answer is never ‘yes’.)

That somehow seems to shake me enough to feel up to acting.

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559. No Alternative to Dreams

I realize and remember that there is no alternative to hope. 
Even if you have to wait to begin hoping for something better because your mind feels like ice.

What you can’t throw away is the awareness that there has to come a time again, when there will be a thaw. And then wait for that time.

The alternative is to wait for nothing, which is death, and that is not an alternative.

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526. Not So Useless

There is a belief that says that you can attract anything you think long enough about in a positive, affirmative way.

Even if you discard the metaphysical component of that belief, I find again and again that the action of focusing on what you want, positively, affirmatively … is good.

It can spur you to action. It can spur your subconsciousness to release new ideas to you.

It can make you look for opportunities, you hitherto would not have looked for – or discovered even when you ran into them head-on.

And at the very least, it can make you feel hopeful if you are clear that this is a hope you entertain and not some bogey way of trying to convince yourself that reality right now is otherwise.

And that exercise is actually not so useless at all … 

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302. The Only Focus

It is cold comfort, when one thinks about how many more people have to die in the meantime of this completely avoidable cause – witness the effects of gun restriction laws in other countries. But in the face of a so-called advanced society which makes such primitive choices in so many cases I believe there is little to do but grit one’s teeth and pray they will make better choices – that things will go in the right direction, in spite of everything.

You can judge them Americans, loathe them, or ridicule them – or some of them. But it won’t help.

The only choice is to keep eyes firmly focused on a better future and what it takes to get there. That goes for us as well. Amen.

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288. Seeing Behind The Void

Maybe I should just accept that – for whatever reason – the negative self-critic is still part of me. The part that says I have not achieved enough earning money or being famous. And then leave it at that and make my best efforts to move on and realize some of the purpose, like The Blog, or that charity project. Purpose that I know to be real and good for me, no discussion.

Once that realization is bigger and fills out much of the current vacuum then the voice should have less power.

So perhaps the voice addresses a true need after all. For I feel I am not doing enough to promote The Blog (as mentioned earlier) and I feel that is a problem.

I also miss doing something real for charity again, and preferably with Char. Or at least have some definite goal or vision for that part of our lives, instead of just focusing – as is difficult not to – on the daily problems and challenges, esp. with an infant son and irregular income.

So perhaps the voice is calling my attention to a true need, but it does so in the wrong way. It fills the actual vacuum of my life right now with calls to do something that is superficial.

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135. Helpful Preparations

So the list is long – of things we can still do to get ready to make the birth as little as an ordeal as possible, to the degree we believe it is possible to control pain and anxiety of an even that is as natural and old and beyond human control as anything. To get ready for that, and for the many strange and extraordinary things we’re going to have to deal with as newly minted not-quite-so-spry parents.

But sometimes … like tonight I find myself thinking that it’s okay to have a little faith and not be obsessive about all that, and just relax and watch a movie.

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