I realize and remember that there is no alternative to hope. Even if you have to wait to begin hoping for something better because your mind feels like ice. What you can't throw away is the awareness that there has to come a time again, when there will be a thaw. And then wait for that time. The alternative is to wait for nothing, which is death, and that is not an alternative.
... maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals. But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus. You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.
It is cold comfort, when one thinks about how many more people have to die in the meantime of this completely avoidable cause - witness the effects of gun restriction laws in other countries. But in the face of a so-called advanced society which makes such primitive choices in so many cases I believe there is little to do but grit one's teeth and pray they will make better choices - that things will go in the right direction, in spite of everything. You can judge them Americans, loathe them, or ridicule them - or some of them. But it won't help. The only choice is to keep eyes firmly focused on a better future and what it takes to get there. That goes for us as well. Amen.
I spend at least 2-3 hours per day cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking and doing dishes, and I can spend those hours better. Like trying to make more money than we pay the cleaning lady. So I just have to do that. And be patient until I can do that, because cleaning lady or not, I still have to get up at night and carry Jay to Char so he can get his food - and many times during day, changing diapers, everything. We can't hire us out of that as long as Char's hand is damaged. We can only wait and remain calm and have faith that we have enough money - and help from our families - to do this, without too much cost. So that is what we do.
But my experience is - esp. from when I was terribly ill - that we do turn to God in times of need, to something Higher. Or the belief in it. Many of us do just that and it is natural and well. So those words the priest writes down for us from the Bible, at baptism or birth, they might not mean much while everything is going well but when everything is not, they will.
Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can - like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool ... or something. Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance? I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.
Speaking from experience, back when I still thought we could conceive normally, I can tell you that it quickly destroys your sex life - and peace of mind - trying to have sex by the clock each month to have a child. Maybe you can do it less ... strained. But as time wears on and if you feel you are already 'behind' ... well, that's just not going to end good. So my friends, MRN and L, made, as far as I can tell (I have never asked directly), a measured choice: Live their lives and see what happens, even if chances diminish the more time passes. Even if 3 months pass and they don't have sex at the right dates, I suppose. Or a year. Or ... I'm pretty sure that's the deal they have come up with, no matter how hard that choice was. So I see the uncertainty in their eyes when they see Jay, hold him, smile at him: "What's going to happen for us? Did we make the right choice?" I did see that today. No surprise, but still ... For I was afraid, I'd not see happiness - for us. Deep and honest happiness. But I did see that. I was afraid I would see too much doubt, when their own pain clouded things too much, and it would hurt me - and Char - too, even if understandable. But I saw nothing like that. I saw a glimmer of sadness and of that pain, later when we walked home and talked about a extra room they are building in their house and what it might be used for. Guests or ... But I never saw their honest sadness at their own situation overshadow their happiness for our situation. Not once. I may be imagining things, but I really felt it energized them to see Jay - gave them some of that undefinable happiness, too, that babies tend shine into the hearts of people, even if they are not your own. I really felt that. I hope that it was so. Which means, I guess, that the most precious thing is still more than intact - our friendship. And love.
Not only was the lack of income getting to me, but also the sense that I wasn't providing value - not using my skills and experience for any good for anyone. But I was. I wrote something and put it out. And some people will read it and benefit from it. So that at least I can always do. And that is half the way getting there.
We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it - Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match. Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something ... But it takes time to find that something. As it should. Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents. And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.
What social punishment are you willing to subject yourself to live and maintain your own version of spirituality? Spiritual exploration or whatever you want to call it can often be a lonely path. So it takes a lot of will to keep walking it ... and not everyone has that.
There are many ways of giving. Perhaps we can measure our feeling of being blessed in direct relation to how aware - and how appreciative - we are of each.
An education spurred by passion is a soul's project. And it can be made useful and even profitable given time, and without 'selling out'. If it is knowledge you love then there are ways to live from that. It starts with trying to see how you can make that knowledge useful. Because that is what the soul really wants, I believe.
I believe life has deep meaning, especially because it is a shadow and light dance, each contrasting the other. But I also long for something more permanent and unmovable to stand on, just for a while. Something you can return to, when you tire of the dance. It is Christmas Day soon and that reminds me not to give up hope that such a foundation exists, beneath all of it. Beneath that which is below the surface, and on the other side of the backside. And perhaps in front of it, as well.