615. Where Is Abundance – Really?

I genuinely feel this course is tremendous value for money – almost too much value. 

But I also feel there is something deeper that rubs me the wrong way – deeper than my inability to participate live very much. So what is that?

Perhaps worth exploring, even if there is a monkey somewhere in my mind screaming that I am a failure for even thinking this way. 

I mean, if you don’t get with the program to create abundance in your life now – or at least later – then isn’t it your own fault, all of it?

Perhaps. Or perhaps there are more abundant perspectives on reality than this one course in “abundance” can give.

And I mean to explore them all.

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602. Two Minds

Jay is visiting grandma with Char and is having trouble sleeping. It’s heatwave time. He doesn’t like that.

It’s a strange house and a different bed. And so on.

I have trouble sleeping, but I suppose for different reasons.

I stay here in the City and work and do the house and do a few things, like drawing. In fact, I do a lot on the ‘house’ – a lot of repair work and washing that we don’t have time for when Jay is here. Or rarely.

And even so I feel a bit guilty not being down there and being able to relieve Char when she has not slept, because Jay has not slept.

I suppose grandma, and other visiting family, can do a bit here, but even so … 

It is a strange feeling … Not sure if it is worry about Jay, who – as said – is really having trouble adjusting to the heat.

Or if it is a feeling of obligation to share the burdens with Char, which somehow is still there even though I certainly do my part at home, at this moment.

Not sure about any of that, really.

But it is a relatively mild problem, and they will soon be home and everything will be back to its chaotic normal. And with 0.5 percent time again for chores like the ones I am doing now. And work. And a lot of other things.

So maybe I should just try to … appreciate the experience. Not in a lala-way. But just try to set my mind in two places at once, instead of just on the worry and faint guilt.

Stay in that damn feeling and feel all of it, including that which is worth appreciating:

Like the fact that I do miss my son even though he is taking every bit of time from me and then some. 

And that I want to help Char take care of him, on as equal terms as possible in this day and age.

Aren’t those worthwhile feelings? Too?

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550. For Jay

We love each other. We want to find solutions. Even if it seems dim – through the fog of anger.

But what is important to both of us,  I have no doubt, is that we must also find solutions for Jay’s sake.

We simply can’t bear that he should have parted parents, much less that he should have parents who bicker and argue most of the time. It makes him feel unsafe and it hurts him. Obviously.

And we want the best for him.

So we have to find a way back to the best in ourselves, even if it has been seriously challenged this past year.

But we have to. There is not other way.

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523. Healing Day

Tomorrow it’ll be Jay’s 1st birthday and thus almost a year ago that we had a really hard experience getting him here.

But I am heartened that despite the lingering pain of that memory, everyday new wonderful memories are added in the other stack – of his life, what it is, what it can be, what it will be.

I guess that is called healing.

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479. You Have That Parent Experience Again When …

You Have That Parent Experience Again When …… you one the one hand are really, really angry and feel like saying something nasty to your spouse who can’t or won’t understand why lack of sleep and time to yourself got to you first, when she is preoccupied with her own lack …

… and on the other your heart is genuinely old-fashionedly melting when you see your 11 month old son trying to drink from a cup.

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442. Something Important

Went swimming today with Jay and it was exhausting but great. He really likes water, the little one – or so I fancy. Especially chasing after a ball in water as I hold him.

There, nothing earth-shattering new to report, but something important.

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438. Grateful

overall I have a good feeling that Jay’s body – all of his body – is developing in the right direction, so to speak. And that this thing about the head is going to get even better.

I feel less anxious about it than just a month or two ago. But I guess the added pressures during these weeks, e.g. with regard to my mother’s cancer, work and moving in and out of our apartment – all that contributed to me and Char being more sensitive to what happened with Jay.

But when I really sit down and … take time to feel, I do feel that he is developing as he should. In this respect.

And … in all other respects he is a super-healthy and normal little boy. And I feel deeply, deeply grateful for that.

It is worth taking time to feel that.

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432. The Real Is What We Need

Another choice, then, as a parent [not to give Jay a helmet to correct a small deformity on his head]. But we really have to consider ALL the factors. 

And that includes all the other good factors that help Jay and which we will dismiss, if we believe that this sort of instrument will make the difference in our efforts to correct his head. 

Such as being able to stroke and kiss his head, even if the effects are only psychological for us – and only a symbolic gesture of what we wish for him, for his body development.

But most importantly, of course, that science says it doesn’t really help with a helmet. Whereas with craniosacral therapy we do feel it helps, and we have a series of photos that seem to show that it does.

That may not be particularly scientific – the last type of documentation – but it is very practical – very real – right here and now. And that is what we need. Practical and real results. Experienced results. Not some intervention with lots of ramifications and born out of fear.

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402. Thoughts About Expectations

I think maybe it is helpful that we are relatively old parents and that I have gone through an evolution myself with regard to how I value the company of other people. In my early 20s for example I really did not like family get-togethers. I was always focused on how the other members of my family talked about “boring things” and all their little faults (imagined or otherwise). As I grow older I have begun to really look for what we share and what I appreciate in various family members, instead of focusing on what sets us apart. It just works better. I don’t try to sweep big differences under the rug, but I don’t give them too much power either – e.g. political differences.

I believe that lesson at least can help me if my son doesn’t choose a “smart” career or makes some other lifestyle choice later on that really upsets me.

But time will have to put that belief (and promise to myself) to the test. 

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389. Sweetness

So we should see to it in the new year that we take more time off together – maybe go to another city and just loaf, go more to cafes and a bit on restaurants. We have to dig into Char’s inheritance and maternity leave insurance, unless I make more money soon. But I think it is necessary.

And yes, these are sweet activities we can do with Jay – i.e. without a sitter. He is still very young and it would be a lot to leave him for a night with someone else. It would not work yet.

But go a bit more out together (and with Jay) that would work. Maybe going to another city and playing tourists. Just that.

It will be enough. For now.

But we have to do it! 

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385. Right Frame of Mind

So all in all it was as it should be on X-mas even, or as we wanted it to be despite various tests (baby fits, chemo therapy, tired from work).

But I think it always works out like that if you are minded for it. Not in a ‘let’s-push-this-through-despite-everything’-frame of mind. More like a ‘let’s-take-it-easy-and-wait-and-see-and-give-each-other-some-room’-mind.

That’s good to remember, also on other evenings.

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369. The Buzz About Fathers

Char was away from Jay today for the longest time since his birth – 8 hours – and I had to look after him. And I was nervous about that, like any man.

But it went quite well. And I feel totally good about that. I know it sounds trite, but I do feel a bit more being a father because I was able to do this.

Now I know what all the buzz is about.

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326. Victories of Love

… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.

But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.

You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.

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