I don’t believe I can get a guarantee that everything will ‘go well’.
But that’s not what I’m looking for.
I guess I’m looking for the feeling of energy and courage that I have sometimes gotten in difficult situations, and feeling that it came from somewhere … ‘beyond me’.
When I asked for it. Or just when I needed it.
That at least I can have faith in.
It’s like the breathing exercises my girlfriend has learnt to better manage the pain.
They can’t stop it, but they can make pain easier. If you open yourself to the possibility that it can happen.
That you can do it. That there is help.
Anything but curling up in a ball and pretending to be all alone when the sh… hits the fan.
Curling up, like a fetal position …
But while that version of the fetal position signals fear, there is also another version.
That of birth.
Then it struck me, after having asked my higher angels for a bit of aid, that I felt incredibly … grateful for all my stuff, all the beautiful important useful things I have with or without histories.
Even the shampoo in the bathroom …
Or an old DVD I have to get rid off anyway to create shelfspace for babystuff …
I. Felt. Grateful. For my stuff. All of it.
No matter how messy it was.
No matter that other people have more stuff and many other people have a lot less. I didn’t compare at all, up or down.
I. Just. Felt. Deeply. Grateful.
For my stuff.
That was also not the worst of feelings.
In fact it was very beautiful, even if it was gossamer.
I’ve read somewhere that there’s a time for all things. To live. To die. To love. To hate. And probably to have children as well. Maybe it is not as corny or superstitious as it sounds. Maybe it is just right. Perhaps I just have to experience it to know. That it is right. And in what way it is right.
Another day closer to the birth of my son. I’m confident and anxious at the same time. I guess all is as it should be.
I always thought it was a cliché, not worth much, that there is this cycle of life and death. Or perhaps of life and new life, depending on how you look at it. But I find at times like these, just thinking of the cycle is reassuring. No matter if anything happens to each and every one of us after our cycle ends.