So I think I will go do the dishes now. That may eat more time, but at least it will free more energy. In my head, I think. So whatever time is left I might be able to use better, before off to work.
It would really be a great help, and steady a lot of things, if one of us got a steady, high-paid job - after years of uncertainty here. And now with Jay along. So of course there is fear it won't come anyway. Or ever. But ... perhaps that fear just has to be accepted. Lived with. I mean, I can write all sorts of good things about how we are just going to press on if things don't turn out as we hope. But before that ... how about just accepting the fear instead of fighting it? It is not easy. But I will try. I think it actually helps.
I should be able, with that temp work in place, to just say: 'Oh hell - I feel bad this morning. I have 2 hours. I don't have to do anything but it down, relax and wait until I feel better'. So no pushing for customer search or whatever. Sure, then it will take longer to built up a 'steady' customer network. And all sorts of other things. But again, I am simply too old to continue this trend of letting the future keep me hostage and not able to relax and ... feel good about being here now. I'm going to do anything to not let that happen. And then all sorts of goals that I know will indeed give me happiness once completed - they will have to wait a bit longer. Because I am busy being happy right now.
"I steadily get more calm in my life." - affirmation.
Goals and physical conditions and all sorts of other stuff are important, yes, but ... the entirety of my experience of life is the most important. And that, I can actually control.
Whenever for some reason I experience such ... mess in my head, my experience tells me that I should find an anchor-point. Something to focus on. Something that is positive, even if it doesn't feel like the answer to any of those problems, imagined or otherwise. I think writing is a good start ...
So ... just timing out and stopping to relax and have a cake. Is that really a cure for such gloominess? Sometimes, apparently, it can be.
Everything just blew up this morning, our frustrations, my stress. So much for the podcast I actually managed to make yesterday for my product line about peace, joy etc. After the initial waves, had lasted, though ... I just gave up. I think we both did. Sat and stared into the air, playing distractedly with Jay. But it helped. Realizing you can't really do anything but lie down and wait. Give up, in a sense. After steam has blown, just wait for it to evaporate. Accept that things are going to be muddled and nothing will be perfect for a while. If ever. Then start rebuild, bit by bit.
The question is how I can square the sense of my need to appreciate the now with the need to change the now.
A good, positive strong mindset is what you need more than anything to make the best of your small business, including but not limited to, the web-part. And I will make myself the first case for this new book.
How the hell can you gain anything by not focusing on it? How the hell can you make something real for you that you badly want by constantly criticizing yourself for not having it? How can you arrive at a place without setting a course?
The very ACT of slowing down, and timing out, will leave us with that place in the movie where the brilliant businessman or the overworked janitor or famous fashionista or dedicated housewife takes a walk along the beach or in the woods and ... is present. .... In their own life. ... Dares to think about it all ... good and bad. Feels it. And maybe ... make some changes when coming home. Going up on the hill and scout the horizon of life.
It's one of those days where you just have to believe that the right principles will get you to the right place.
I do wish I could just run from it all, but I suppose that is the most natural feeling in the world. But feeling peace starts with me doing something, no matter the approach I take to the act of creating peace. And when did anyone ever feel more at peace by the act of running away?