254. Doing

So today started with an argument. I don’t recall much of the substance since perhaps there wasn’t any. But I was frustrated that I could not find a sock, some clothes for Jay and that the apartment still looked messy, while I had to find something else for Char before she went out and we could hardly find time to get some milk on bottle for Saturday when I am to look after Jay alone.… Read more

246. No Diversions

The Necessities of Hunger and Thirst, were his greatest Diversions from the Reflection on his lonely Condition. When those Appetites were satisfied, the Desire of Society was as strong a Call upon him, and he appeared to himself least necessitious when he wanted every thing; for the Supports of his Body were easily attained, but the eager Longings for seeing again the Face of Man during the Interval of craving bodily Appetites, were hardly supportable.

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244. Drop By Drop

Taking my first break from Robinson Crusoe-posting, I simply need to say that maybe I have fucked up all this time – trying to find more enjoyable ways to make money.

At least as regards the way I’ve tried …

I was thinking that if I don’t feel good still, perhaps worse, than when I started trying to find that way to make money in a more enjoyable, passionate way, then perhaps my goal is wrong – or the way to the goal is wrong!… Read more

224. Being My Own Case

One of those days … slept poorly, had odd nightmarish dreams and awoke feeling like shit.

Like it all didn’t matter. I was never going to make more money before I died or got to ill health’d to do anything anymore. I was never going to do anything that mattered to more people than my immediate family, even though I had thoroughly wished that for years now – and told myself that I wished it.… Read more

196. Through the Crap

Writing this Saturday is interesting, because Monday could be crap. As usual. With Big Photographer Client and all his Mess.

However, after feeling like crap Saturday I’ve made a few good decisions. Here they are:

Replacing the 1500 USD per month I earn from Big Photographer Client is of paramount importance.Read more

171. I Momentarily Felt Anxious About My Prospects of Success

… when it comes to earning money in a way that’s better than now.

Not news, really, although this time it came to me while walking Jay in his carriage Very Early this morning, dead-tired and wondering if I was ever going to get time enough to get some of the (other) successes I craved in life.… Read more

122. Principles

I worked for 7 hours trying to fix somebody’s webshop and failed at a lot of the technical stuff, which I thought I knew, but didn’t. So I only billed them 3.

I feel bad about that, but okay about having delivered fair service. And having the courage to explain to them that my abilities fell short, instead of trying to excuse myself or even bill them for all of it.… Read more

121. Messages in a Bottle

Today is my 43rd birthday, and who would’ve thought I’d make it this far? Sure, I live in one of the safest, richest places in the world but the enemies haven’t come from without as much as within.

In 1999-2006 I was depressed on and off, culminating in rampant anxiety, obsessive thoughts and hospitalization in 2005.… Read more