326. Victories of Love

… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.

But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.

You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.

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280. First Test

No sense to sell out my sense of calm in the present and stress and try various ill-thought through activities to ‘insure’ I will earn more, in the future.

No sense at all.

Except follow a plan I already have about what to do, when to do it, and be calm when I don’t have the time to do it, because of babies, dishes and other life-things.

But I did it fine. Today.

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277. Transfer Wisdom

I wish I could explain it better than a mere decision, but there it is.

It is, however, a decision matured. It has matured for a long time and it has to do with a realization of the futility of trying to sell out your present to insure your happiness in the future, so to speak.

Just as profound as the realization I had in 2006 which cured me of the deep and devastating anxiety that had gotten me into hospital: If I could never get better there was no point in hating and berating myself for certain thought and other matters, only in trying to make as much good time as possible to enjoy – during the minutes and hours I was not suffering.

Deep realizations followed up by definitive, all-encompassing action.

So I guess I have explained it better now, right?

Perhaps. But have I explained it enough for someone else to realize what they have to do to copy it?

Probably not in most cases. Besides, it is a state of mind that comes about not as a result of reading but as a result of experiencing, for a long time. Then a desire for change is cultivated in the soul.

But if I can aid that change, however little, I shall be satisfied.

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276. Reminders

Whatever work I do in the future, to earn a living, as long as it is not too dreary or filled with a majority of people I don’t resonate with … it is certainly work that will have to include and be done for … other people.

Actively. Face to face.

Not from a distance. Not always, at least.

This was another reminder. But I will take it to heart.

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246. No Diversions

But in my experience we, the people, forget so often to ask them ourselves: What makes me really happy? What I do now? The way I do what I do now to get something better in the future? Or … ?

We forget. And run in all sorts of directions for peace, happiness and joy, even if we are so often missing them. Chasing wild geese … like that stressful drive up the career ladder or whatever it is that makes no sense to strive for to become happy in the future, if it is done in such a way or if it is for such a goal so as to make us miserable for a long time in the present.

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244. Drop By Drop

Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can – like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool … or something.

Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?

I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.

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