So money, miscast loyalty to others, and devotion to productivity methods that may work for others but not oneself.
Those three agendas sucked out a lot of energy from the YA novel, until I shelved it when other parts of reality killed the last of my motivation, notably my need to focus on my own business, on getting settled in yet another new apartment and dealing with the personal and relationship fall-out after (at first) not having been able to have Jay, after many treatments. Oh, and a couple of close family members died, too. Just sayin’ …
I have 20 minutes every day to myself. After Jay starts daycare I might have an hour or two at best, because I still have to spend more time making money.
So those are facts.
They should make it easy to choose how to spend that time for some years in the future.
So: Beauty can be used as a question – “is this beautiful to do or think”? – in order to gain more of a beautiful experience. It just has to be made a habit to ask that question. And that is, as always, the hard part.
People have a tendency to be understanding if you explain your need and don’t wait to express it until you do so in anger.
So keep cool and don’t work in the weekend, at least not yet. And not unless the above-mentioned special exception – The Big Really Important Project for The Big Customer. Who is not here these days …
It is difficult but it makes good sense, to maintain this schedule, even though my income is not good currently compared to expenses. Otherwise I would never have a day off – including a day off from trying to earn money and carve out time to earn money. And then what would be the bloody point?
Many such decisions about what to prioritize – time or family or something else – are made from day to day, and have to be made from day to day. And this is such a day.
Just another day in the business of life.
But sometimes you have to go on an intuition, if you feel it strong enough. Even if there are many unanswered questions and will be for some time.
But that Big Project – like writing a famous book or going to save the children in Africa somehow – is not for me. I feel other people can do these things better than I, especially because I have so little capital – financial, political, cultural when it comes to Africa. When it comes to famous books, I just don’t feel like that any longer. As I’ve already written about I know this motivation has been in me, for some reason, and it is deeply wrong.
And the list goes on. These are just two of the Big Things, I’ve chased and tried to do with my life and then not really done.
But maybe I don’t need to.
Maybe I just need to share all that I have learned.
I had given away and sold hundreds of comics and books in the 9 months leading up to Jay’s birth and still it wasn’t enough to make room enough for a family.
So I had to give away what really mattered, although it is only temporary.
But felt, even so. A lot, in fact.
I say this about comics, some from the 60s – with unforgettable stories and worth some money. You might say this about something else.
But I’d like to think you’d do the same, if you found that there really was no other priorities that made sense.
Well, sometimes you just to choose what you know is best for you right now and hope for the best. Otherwise what is the point?
I’ve made this point often enough to myself and I’ll make it again today.
Family time is, after all, your most important asset in life, perhaps more important than money – at least in many situations.
there is so much balancing to be done, it feels more often than not like an impossible task. But I should be able to get better at it, at least, if never perfect.
That much I have to believe, and believe it in my heart and soul. Otherwise, what is the point of even trying?
Just getting up, getting out the door, going to the Royal Library, doing the best I could with my time there, but still taking care of urgent tasks that I felt could not be ignored for all sorts of reasons. Some of the good, some less good.
That’s a bit muddled, but it’s life I guess.
Not perfect, but keeping the right course.
I knew it would not be so easy, just go back to the office and come home with Big Strategy. And Big Results.
I knew it would be messy.
And yet I dared to think for some hours that it would be fixable, easily, just like that. That I would think about things then come up with Perfect Solution For All Time.
I guess I should be angry with myself for being so naive still, but I prefer to give myself a compliment for nurturing hope that things can be better.