After much dithering, I’ve made a decision. And it happened because I was rejected. Well, kind of. I had asked a freelance editor to take a look at my recent short novel. I figured I would pay her, then we could set a date and then I’d be motivated to finish the second draft. She … Read More
Now I just have to execute. But perhaps half the battle is won by coming to a clear decision first.
I could’ve sent out quite a few customer pitches in the hours I spent arguing with Char, about whether or not she distrusted my ability to make sound financial choices and/or family choices.
I admit it: I am a self-keep-a-down-holic.
I have hurt more people by not exploiting my full potential and changing the world and earning more money to share than I have by keeping myself down.
I will have to have the courage to look at that statement every day from now on and really feel how much it hurts. Only then, I feel, can I begin to see – deep deep down – that what I have been doing so far has been wrong and has not worked.
I have saved no one, not even myself.
If there is a power in admitting the truth, I so badly want to feel it now.
I’m sick of thinking about this particular aspect of my life in that way: ‘I lack’.
It would be prudent of me to train myself to think – without deluding myself – of this aspect of life in new ways. Especially if I never solve it.
We have to change the story about the brutal birth of Jay, because we need stories to be beautiful and about more than what came out of it – Jay. We need them for our sake to be more than just the goal. We need them to be about the entire journey, too. But the journey is disjointed. Perfect sailing, then storm and drowning and then reaching the island after all does not match.
Something needs to tie it together, in a new way. Something …
But it takes time to find that something. As it should.
Fortunately, we can count on the best help to find a new story about the brutal journey to becoming parents.
And as we get to know Jay well, it will all become clearer.
Maybe that’s what I need every time I feel I’m stuck and getting nowhere and having no clue.
Maybe I just need to say: ‘I commit.’
It’s good to remember that if I write every day on stories I love for the next 10 or 50 years … then making mental room and spending calendar time for and on that … is worth the most.
Worth a lot more, actually, than the money I might receive eventually for my efforts.
And this blog is an exploration of that journey, to find a balance. And even if I don’t succeed, and in a way I believe I never truly will, then it will have done what I came here for:
It will have helped you to find your own balance.
A ‘you’ somewhere out there, across the seas.
So maybe this is odd, but I swear – it has made me feel more alive than what I have felt in a long time.
Just thinking, talking and acting slower – much slower – than I usually do. This is how to do it.
This is how to get that quality – that presence – that mindfulness – call it what you want.
This is to get what I longed for, but didn’t know that I longed for until I felt really, really empty inside for months on end… And I have.
But it is over now. I will keep this way of being here in the world up this time. This time I will be here – with every part of my self.
I suppose that’s an interesting thought:
What if the key is here to learn to tolerate more of my clients’ complaints?
And do things in a pace that will keep me sane and then see if he actually puts his money where his mouth is?
And that place would be with someone who is cheaper, better, more reliable than me, about whom he has to complain so much to get an honest day’s work done, right?
Interesting thought. And perhaps a worthwhile thought for an entrepreneur.
Especially worthwhile if I can honestly say that I am doing my best and that 75 percent of the delays and problems come from my clients’ bad habits, bad planning, lack of knowledge, and lack of will to pay a realistic number of hours.
Maybe the truth is only 50 percent. But why should I take those 50 percent on my shoulders and stress to do better and better, more and more, for less and less pay? I think I can afford to err a little bit on the other side here.
This is one of my list posts – with actionable advice on a given topic.
I’ll experiment with my prices and some things I won’t do, some things I will. Other things I will regret doing for that price, and still other things I would like to repeat – like my historical talks:350 bucks for 2 hours of enjoyable work – let me have more of that!
But aside from food and shelter for ourselves and our son, I bloody won’t be constrained by having to chase a certain kind of client with a certain size of wallet, not because I’m more interested in them or a better match with my skills.
But because they are able to pay my rent for an apartment with three extra rooms I don’t use.
Since when was pretty pictures on Facebook relevant to your health, job, family or anything else?
But you can control it, right? You don’t spend so much time on social media that it matters, right?
10 minutes a day makes for 3650 minutes per year makes for 60 hours per year.
That’s not so much time to look at pretty pictures.
Only 10 minutes more to read about some idiot who is a disgrace to the office he currently occupies and what he will do next.
Will people thank you at your funeral for having spent 120 hours per year for that? Almost a month full time work per year.
As if you volunteered for summer camp to help the disabled. Oh, wait that’s only 1 week per year. Or …
Will people thank you? Your family? Your son or daughter? Voters in the United States?
I know what they will say at my funeral if I continue like this.
With being able ‘to control it’ …
I know what they’ll say. Or rather: What they will not say because I didn’t do much about it.
I know what they’ll not say. And I don’t want to hear it.