But one thing can be measured, for what it is worth: The Blog itself. If it keeps growing year by year and keeps getting traffic and at one time the Putin bots that now are my only regular visitors will be replaced by engaged human beings … then that is a yardstick for impact.
However crude and imperfect.
And I believe it is a better impact – given my experience, talent and skill – then I can give in this life as a social worker or a worker in a social justice organisation, paid or voluntary.
I will not say no to such positions if opportunity arises and it feels right.
But right now the point is moot, because it doesn’t really look like I can qualify for any meaningful position within the humanitarian organisations anymore, and as regards work for individual persons, e.g. as a helper for the disabled, I just don’t have that much to give anymore. I am not getting younger and the job is hard. And it doesn’t scale at all – so: Extremely limited impact.
But even if I could get a job in, say, Action Aid International I would still feel that The Blog is, as far as I can see right now, the best thing I can give to the world.
And that means that my drawing is free from that demand.
And good riddance.
I don’t need to change the world via drawing, or storytelling.
I just need to draw.
So I need to learn to do this – acknowledge my feelings about financial scarcity – and at the same time let go of them and focus on just living the best I can, every day.
Before there are no more days.
if there is one way to truly make a difference – over time – today it is on the Internet where 17 year old fashion bloggers attract 17 million followers easily. So you can get attention, you can share something widely, and – over time – you can make a difference in people’s lives. I may only be able to reach a few thousand people over the years, in a way that really matters, and many more in more superfluous ways, but I do believe this is the best way – to blog. And blog to share. Experiences.
Wouldn’t it be more convincing and powerful and thus beneficial to the purpose of The Blog to go out and start showing it to the world at a turning point, when people can begin to believe that yes, this is not just a ludicrous ambition – it is actually starting to come true?
The question is how I can square the sense of my need to appreciate the now with the need to change the now.
It helps to slow down, though, in my thinking and doing. The slower pace makes me feel less stress and better able to make decisions.
I just have to remember it.
Perhaps it is smarter to do as I stated above and then try to create that situation now, which I want, and then expand it gradually as best I can – like a pool spilling over into the areas outside of the pool … or something.
Instead of pretending or imagining that I am in a desert thirsting and I have to try to reach a pool somewhere in the distance?
I have to imagine I have a small pool now and focusing on making that grow and spill over.
Movie money logic follows the same formula as our forlorn hopes for life, sometimes: That it stays the same and that we can relive success upon success and don’t have to take risks or venture into new territory.
It is not so trite as to say that all things can be made better by only focusing on ‘giving me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change’.
It is about focusing more on what can be changed, and realizing this is actually a lot – inside.
I may not get what I want in terms of money, but I will get answers. I have to. I can’t just let all those rivers carry me away anymore – to a destination I don’t decide.
I decide one thing and that is that I WILL have answers. For my sake. For my family’s sake.
I will fight for myself and my happiness. I will.
And at the very least I will get knowledge.
And in that decision alone, lies hope.
I’m sick of thinking about this particular aspect of my life in that way: ‘I lack’.
It would be prudent of me to train myself to think – without deluding myself – of this aspect of life in new ways. Especially if I never solve it.
I had to realize that I could never really transcend all my problems either, but only work towards better and better integration – eventually transcending a few problems at a time over a long time.
Life is all about Integration of your fears, anxieties etc. Learning to keep them inside you, manage them, slowly reduce their importance, devise strategies to channel their constituent emotions differently.
This is perhaps the most important search of all. Because we spend so much time thinking about how to get more money, more easily.
Not so much thinking about what we would actually do if we didn’t need money.
We spend more time liking people on Facebook nowadays, or trying to get liked, then going out and talking to real people.
Or just sitting still and listening to our hearts, what we truly want – who can help us – where we should truly go …