“Whenever Char and I get angry at each other, and start again with the first thing: Remembering why we love each other.” – affirmation.
But if more “pride” really is what is missing (too) after a year with a baby and all sorts of other distractions, then right now the next thing I want to prioritize that can make me proud of myself – and her more proud of me – is just that boring old thing:
To go out there and earn money for the family.
And it is the right priority now.
Then there will be other times when the other priorities must be higher.
ESK is rich. I mean seriously. She could quit her job tomorrow and live for the next five year, no prob. Travel the world. Do pretty much whatever she wants.
She has savings. She spends very little.
But she works, and works, and works.
She says she doesn’t want to get carried out. She said that this night.
And she has taken steps to insure that that will not happen. I agree. I have written as much.
But I am still concerned.
I want to see reality happen before I allow myself not to be.
So that is what I will have to do.
I think maybe it is helpful that we are relatively old parents and that I have gone through an evolution myself with regard to how I value the company of other people. In my early 20s for example I really did not like family get-togethers. I was always focused on how the other members of my family talked about “boring things” and all their little faults (imagined or otherwise). As I grow older I have begun to really look for what we share and what I appreciate in various family members, instead of focusing on what sets us apart. It just works better. I don’t try to sweep big differences under the rug, but I don’t give them too much power either – e.g. political differences.
I believe that lesson at least can help me if my son doesn’t choose a “smart” career or makes some other lifestyle choice later on that really upsets me.
But time will have to put that belief (and promise to myself) to the test.
… maybe Char and I are robots now. And maybe a day like this is a confused mess, with deep clouds on the horizon still, and objective recognition that you are just not getting anywhere with your business, dreams, goals.
But you have the spark. You have a smiling baby. You have a mom in good spirits. You have the will to accept the crappy work-hours and not whine, except maybe a little when you sit in the bus.
You have these small victories and if you pile them up and focus on them, they look like something.
Even the mildest of things, the most innocent of situations can suddenly become an argument, or the auto-reaction to a perceived attack.
I’d like to say that Char is more responsible than I, it is certainly what I feel at times. But in reality, I know, we are both responsible.
And the reason is probably that we, despite our age and experience and love for each other, are strung out at times by baby Jay, and me by trying to do the business.
In addition …
But the only relevant question here is what we will do with this awareness. Because there is not so much else we can change now about our circumstances. Only our will to react differently to these.
I could’ve sent out quite a few customer pitches in the hours I spent arguing with Char, about whether or not she distrusted my ability to make sound financial choices and/or family choices.
I can’t change clothes. I can’t get into shape. I can’t just magically impose order on the thousand uncertainties in my life right now (again).
But I can sit down and think. Slowly. Precisely. With care. Much care.
And regain some sense of being ‘up there’. I don’t know how else to describe it.
So here it is then, the start:
A poem …