I’ve written a few in my time, variations of the same character I suppose, but Mary is SO angry. So much more than many of my previous ‘outcasts’.
I know it sounds pretentious to talk about her as if she was real and kind of deciding things in the story, but in all honesty I started with her just as a cipher and then she has, yes, grown as I wrote the story, kind of dictated more and more that it’s about her.
All about her feelings. About her isolation. About her loneliness.
As much as a romp through dimensions and feeble attempts at homages.
I wonder how may others have come to feel the same way about characters they have written, started with just as an idea, maybe just a name and nothing more? When? Under what circumstances? What story were they telling?
This is one of the things to think about that makes me feel connected with someone I’ll never see in a way that’s very beautiful.
So maybe this is odd, but I swear – it has made me feel more alive than what I have felt in a long time.
Just thinking, talking and acting slower – much slower – than I usually do. This is how to do it.
This is how to get that quality – that presence – that mindfulness – call it what you want.
This is to get what I longed for, but didn’t know that I longed for until I felt really, really empty inside for months on end… And I have.
But it is over now. I will keep this way of being here in the world up this time. This time I will be here – with every part of my self.
I have to tell stories to feel alive, it is that simple, and I know it and I am deeply regretful about the periods when I have forgotten it, for all sorts of ‘good reasons’. Or when I have doubted my ability to do it, to ever bring my storytelling out into the world in any meaningful form and therefore have stalled.
I have to keep fighting that and so the only way that makes sense is to do it one fight at a time, a few hundred words here and there – but regularly. Please let me not forget.
At the very least, I’ll have to get an absolutely clear understanding of what and how much I need when it comes to money, passion and purpose. That I don’t feel I have now.
There can be no more vagueness, or just waiting around for these things to become crystal clear.
And when they have, that is half the battle won.
I don’t believe I can get a guarantee that everything will ‘go well’.
But that’s not what I’m looking for.
I guess I’m looking for the feeling of energy and courage that I have sometimes gotten in difficult situations, and feeling that it came from somewhere … ‘beyond me’.
When I asked for it. Or just when I needed it.
That at least I can have faith in.
It’s like the breathing exercises my girlfriend has learnt to better manage the pain.
They can’t stop it, but they can make pain easier. If you open yourself to the possibility that it can happen.
That you can do it. That there is help.
Anything but curling up in a ball and pretending to be all alone when the sh… hits the fan.
Curling up, like a fetal position …
But while that version of the fetal position signals fear, there is also another version.
That of birth.
We spend more time liking people on Facebook nowadays, or trying to get liked, then going out and talking to real people.
Or just sitting still and listening to our hearts, what we truly want – who can help us – where we should truly go …
An education spurred by passion is a soul’s project. And it can be made useful and even profitable given time, and without ‘selling out’. If it is knowledge you love then there are ways to live from that. It starts with trying to see how you can make that knowledge useful. Because that is what the soul really wants, I believe.
Your soul will take you were you need to go. Feel the truth of these words instead of automatically denying them, because you don’t believe in ‘soul’. Just feel what the word does to you.