I genuinely feel this course is tremendous value for money – almost too much value.
But I also feel there is something deeper that rubs me the wrong way – deeper than my inability to participate live very much. So what is that?
Perhaps worth exploring, even if there is a monkey somewhere in my mind screaming that I am a failure for even thinking this way.
I mean, if you don’t get with the program to create abundance in your life now – or at least later – then isn’t it your own fault, all of it?
Perhaps. Or perhaps there are more abundant perspectives on reality than this one course in “abundance” can give.
And I mean to explore them all.
A friend of mine who was admitted to the psychiatric ward at much the same time as I, is a pensioner today. He does not have a strong purpose.
His ‘purpose’ if it even exists in any meaningful form, is mostly about surviving and getting by. More concretely it is about being safe, and about doing stuff he enjoys like reading or watching television.
Of course his case is more complicated than that brief glimpse, but it does make one wonder, doesn’t it?
I mean, my friend and I went through the same ordeal more or less at the same time.
We had very similar symptoms of anxiety and depression, strong enough for us to be admitted to hospital. Me in 2005. Him in 2006.
Today one of us is still in there. In a kind of hospital.
You know you have a true “Heart-business” when you can answer emphatically ‘yes’ to the following question:
‘Would you do this work full time anyway if you never had to worry about money again?’
I realize and remember that there is no alternative to hope.
Even if you have to wait to begin hoping for something better because your mind feels like ice.
What you can’t throw away is the awareness that there has to come a time again, when there will be a thaw. And then wait for that time.
The alternative is to wait for nothing, which is death, and that is not an alternative.
Q: Why haven’t you at the age of 44 a steady job yet?
A: Why haven’t you at age 44 a steady relationship yet?
What it is that we can come closer to that makes life stronger, despite the outward signs that it becomes frailer and closer to an ending?
What is it that makes life worth living for, even more?
I have an ex-friend who has now more or less walled himself in. He sits in his apartment all day long. He is a pensioner. He has the occasional cancer-scare, too.
He has some reasons, yes, but overall it has, I will argue, been his own choice to give up and just wall himself in and not reach out for any other life qualities than safety.
Which he can never completely have? How safe is it sitting and watching TV and waiting not to get cancer?
Maybe he won’t get it, but in terms of having a good life experience I think my mother is better at finding that path that makes her life feel stronger, despite all the shadows that chase it.
Principles are all well and good, but one can’t use them to pay the rent. Trick is to remember when the rent can and should wait a bit.
Whenever we move for a long time in a certain direction, towards something we really want, there’ll be obstacles.
We have to accept that.
And keep moving.
The truth is seldom contained in a single viewpoint.
We went out today, to the sea-side and enjoyed fantasizing about what it would be like being able to afford living in a house there. And just enjoyed being there, in general.
It was a long day out in the fresh air, esp. for little Jay, who slept like a log when we came home. I didn’t get to make any attempts to try to make money or other business.
But if we are to stay a family and it is to make any kind of sense, all of it, this is the kind of investment I have to make regularly. And investments entail risk.
Fuck the role. Admit that you don’t have any good role to play in this situation, but that it is okay.
That is difficult. Extremely difficult. But it’s something I want more of. And I want to be with more people who want more of it.
Death reveals to us the folly of our complacency.
When we are confronted with some death or other, especially a death of someone close to us, we are stripped naked – even if only for a short while.
We are reminded of something unpleasant (not only our own physical mortality). We don’t like to be reminded. Hence we try to forget as often as possible, as quickly as possible and … ‘move on’.
I’m as guilty of that as the next man!
What we want to forget ASAP is:
That we think it is ‘all right’ to live on forever in a certain way — or at least for a very, Very, VERY long time.
That it is all right not to change.
That it is all right to always be the same.
It is not all right.
Retribution is a bad teacher, especially among friends.
It’s one of those days where you just have to believe that the right principles will get you to the right place.